Saturday, December 31, 2011

My Top 10 Posts

On this New Year’s Eve I write my 101st post and since New Years is in general a time for looking back, and because this is a milestone of sorts for me, I thought I’d take a look back at my 10 favourite posts. I’ll start with the oldest and work my way up towards the most recent and perhaps we’ll get a few laughs along the way as we recall my brilliant writing.

January 30th, 2010 – The Room
I would be much remiss if I didn’t begin with the first post I ever wrote which I believe still holds up to this day. It was a fun and funny way to review of a movie that I don’t think can be critiqued in any conventional manner. Interestingly enough, I think it remains the longest post I ever wrote, though Honk Kong Story may be longer.

March 13th, 2010 – Ms New Booty
I kind of feel bad about extensively making fun of some woman on the internet I’ve never met, but it was pretty funny. In some small way she changed my outlook on the world. I spent quite some time on her videos and my friends and I still have plenty of inside jokes relating to it, but when I all was said and done I realized that I was sick of watching people fail at being talented. It is for this reason that I have not seen the entirety of Rebecca Black’s “Friday” and I am grateful. Also, sadly the link provided in the post no longer works, and I’m too lazy to find a new one. That’s probably for the best actually.

April 13th, 2010 – An Average Day in Maple Ridge
I’ve written many fictionalized stories about my friends, but this one stands out as the funniest and most entertaining. Even though clearly none of my friends behave so ridiculously in real life and my hometown isn’t quite as bad as I make it out to be, there is still a kernel of truth to the story which is makes it that much more enjoyable.

June 24th, 2010 – How to Be a Geek
It’s very difficult to categorize what makes a geek, and in some way I think everybody is geeky, but I think this post did a good job of outlining what makes the geekiest geek possible. It was great fun to conceive and to write, and I think makes for a pleasant read. Looking back, I’m proud to see that I have increased my geek status since I last played it as I have now gotten into D&D, dressed up as the Sniper in public, and expanded my knowledge on comic books. Still need to fulfill my manga quota however.

September 23rd, 2010 – Why Transformers is a Terrible Movie
For a blog that was originally created with the intention of exclusively writing movie reviews, I don’t really talk about movies all that often. Of the handful that I have done, this one turned out the best I think. I believe it accomplishes what it sets out to do in the title (demonstrate why Transformers sucks) and does so in a way that makes for an interesting read while looking at the bigger picture of growing trends in Hollywood.

October 18th, 2010 – The Playstation Move
Fiddling around with the Playstation Move was one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever done. Even though the Move is clearly a gimmick, I still regard that day as quality time spent with friends. Looking back on it and re-reading this post still makes me giggle as I picture that penis plane in my head with that dreadful little creature riding it. Although I hope to never have to suffer through the Move ever again, I still remember this fondly.


November 23rd, 2010 – Rules I Live By
Every now and then I do a post about myself which is normally ends up being either self-deprecating or self-aggrandizing and never a very accurate representation of myself or how I see myself. This one strikes a bit of a balance between the two extremes and is fairly truthful to how I am. I also find it to be quite humourous as I pick apart my own little quirks and shortcomings while not necessarily saying that they need to be fixed.

February 14th, 2011 – Valentine’s Day
I put a surprising amount of thought and preparation into this post, making a video and writing a sonnet specifically for a holiday that I don’t care about at all. I think the end result was relatively creative compared to most of what I do, and put a fun, devious little twist on traditional romantic gifts. Also, any excuse to remind you all of my creepy teddy bear voice is a good excuse.

June 16th, 2011 – The Vancouver Riots
The title for this piece is a bit misleading as what I wrote ended up being far more accurate than I originally intended. It was a crazy day and writing out my experiences and putting them in order helped me put it all into perspective and understand what it was I saw. The riot and my recording of it was somewhat cathartic for me, and for that reason I rank it amoung one of my best and most important posts.

December 17th, 2011 – Japanese Children’s Show Segment
There are very few posts I can think of that I enjoyed researching more than this one. Watching countless videos of a disorganized group of toddlers run around, fall over, and fail to perform a simple dance gave me more delight than it probably should have. It reminded me of going to my sister’s figure skating events. All anybody cared about or wanted to see were the little kids who could barely stay upright skate from one end of the ice to the other and then back again. All of them would fall over at some point, and at least one would only make it halfway. The occasion was as joyous as it was adorable. I also greatly enjoyed writing the article and coming up with I think is colourful imagery.

I was thinking of putting this post you’re reading right now in here as one of my favourites, but I figured there was enough pretentious bullshit on this blog as it is. Instead I’ll leave you with my hopes that you’ll continue to bear with me and my ramblings in the year to come (I don’t just write all this for me you know), and that I’ll post with greater consistency (perhaps that should be my New Years resolution). Have a good one.

Bonus points to whoever links to their own favourite post of mine.

The Room Revisited

Fun fact: this is my one hundredth post and in honour of the occasion I thought it might be fun to revisit the subject matter of my first real post, and the reason for my creation of this blog in the first place, The Room. Now by this point I am sure you’re all well aware of why this movie fails hilariously and most of you have already seen it (perhaps several times) so I won’t waste time re-describing everything that happens. Instead I’ll focus on the cult and mythos that surrounds the film and my opinions on it.

When I wrote that post way back at the beginning of 2010 I had only seen it once and invented a drinking game based on my initial impressions. Since then I have seen it countless more times, twice in a theatre filled with a screaming, spoon-throwing audience (an experience I recommend you all try even if you’ve already seen the movie, trust me when I say it’s better). Now it’s been over a year since I’ve seen it last, but will see it shortly with a group of friends that is yet to be exposed to it. I expect they’ll find it stupendously horrendous like everybody else. For my part, I’m sure I’ll laugh along with them, but I’ll have something beyond the terrible script, acting, and set design to be shaking my head at; the fact that Tommy Wiseau has managed to build a successful career off of failure.

When his movie started to become popular with audiences and word of its awfulness began to spread, Wiseau saw that people weren’t watching it for the drama and tragedy as he originally intended, but rather so they could laugh at his terrible film and mock his ineptness. A man of dignity may have halted all screenings of his film and crept away in shame, but Wiseau went a different route. He embraced the derision; he laughed along with everybody else laughing at him and pretended that this was his intention the whole time. And you know what? It worked for him. The popularity of him and The Room continue to increase, and by this point I’m sure he’s made quite a bit of money off of it. He’s turned his image of comical failure to his advantage and now stars in his own webseries, The Tommy Wi-Show, where he comically fails at video games, and the short film, The House that Drips Blood on Alex, where he comically fails at acting. It’s blatantly clear that he’s self-aware now. He’s like that weird little kid on the playground that nobody talks to or interacts with until that one day when he falls in dog shit. Everybody starts laughing at him and, desperate for any sort of attention or interaction, he laughs with them and starts piling more dog shit on himself shouting, “You love me! You really love me!” until it stops being funny and just becomes sad. Though I don’t think it’s quite reached that point yet, it’s definitely getting there. And even when it does get to that point, Wiseau will still have the millions he got from all the people who paid to see his shitty movie and he’ll have the last laugh with the joke on us.

In many ways I think Tommy Wiseau is emblematic of our culture, the man of our age you might say. We live in a world of Failblogs, Jersey Shores, and Rebecca Blacks where people with no discernible talent inexplicably find themselves in the limelight, dance their little monkey dance, and scream and tug at one another’s hair for a second longer in the public eye before finally fading into oblivion. And we eat it all up, laugh at their feeble movements, and throw nickels and dimes at their feet until we forget about them and move on to the next sideshow. Tommy Wiseau understands this system and has perfected his own method to exploit it. By not getting too big too fast he doesn’t burn out after a week. Instead he stays on the peripheral and slowly works his way towards the center, milking us for every dollar he can get while drawing it out as long as possible. In this regard he is a genius and a true visionary. But in a more accurate regard he’s a silly man with a silly accent who stumbled into popularity, thought, “Hey! I like money!” and just rolled with it.

Similar to how I’ve come to feel about Harry Potter, I find that I’ve become a shade more pessimistic regarding The Room. The original innocence and excitement I went in with when I saw it for the first time has now disappeared. This leaves me with one profound question: what ever happened to Denny?

Bonus points to anyone who can tell me what happened to Denny.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

A Look Back on Harry Potter

2011 saw the last installment in the Harry Potter film franchise and for many it was bittersweet moment where a beloved chapter of their childhood was coming to a close. My reaction however was complete indifference, and when I tell this to people they often give me confused looks and ask how I can be so nonchalant about the whole thing. Here I shall look back on my relationship with Harry Potter and attempt to explain why I stopped caring long ago.

I’ve noticed that a big part of Harry Potter fandom, at least early on, was bragging about how often you’ve read the book or how many times you’ve seen the movies. Well I’m going to make a confession that may just blow your fucking minds: I’ve only read each book once and haven’t seen any of the films after the first one. It’s not that I’ve come to dislike Harry Potter. I still enjoy the books and consider myself a fan (albeit not a diehard one), but I never really saw much point in re-reading them over and over again, and the movies I simply found to be subpar and not as good as the books so I wasn’t all that interested in lining up for the midnight releases. Instead I just read different books that piqued my interest, rather than obsessing over one series. When people tell me, “I’ve read Philosopher’s Stone seven times, how about you?” I respond, “I’ve only read it once and then I read Animal Farm, Lord of the Rings, The Giver, Watchmen, The Once and Future King, One Hundred Years of Solitude, etc.,” and then they walk away thinking I’m a pretentious dick. My point being, I found a whole other world of literature and wonder outside of Harry Potter and felt no strong desire to return once I’d left.

I started reading Harry Potter some time in elementary school prior to the release of the 4th book. I enjoyed the charm, magic, and adventure of the 1st book, found myself incredibly bored by the 2nd, and enjoyed Prisoner of Azkabam most of all. There were plenty of interesting characters, but when I look back now I find it impossible to choose a favourite not because they are so many great ones that spring to mind, but because there aren’t really any who stand out as my particular favourite. If I were forced to choose I suppose I would go with Lupin, but I never really felt like I got to know him. Meanwhile the main trio I found myself mostly sick of by the end of the series. With the publication of Goblet of Fire, I felt that the series had lost the original charm I fell in love with, and I started disliking Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Most would argue that this is because the series adopted a more adult tone, but despite the increase in bloodshed and the higher word count, I didn’t feel that these were now serious novels. A bunch of romantic subplots were shoehorned in that I found cringe-inducing, the characters don’t really mature (if anything, Harry is more of a whiny brat by the end), and the plot got increasingly silly even for a work of fantasy. Before I read the last book I predicted that Harry would die and then come back to life in an inadequately explained manner. I was sorely disappointed to find out I was right. I’m not going to kid myself into believing that this was ever high literature, and to believe that it is misses the whole point to Harry Potter. It’s a magical world of escapism that’s fun to read and filled with adventure. At least that’s what it was at the start. By the end I found myself reading the final book only because I’d read all of the previous ones and decided that I might as well finish it off. That’s not to say it was a terrible book, but it just wasn’t the same anymore.

In many ways it’s rather sad that I became disillusioned with this aspect of my childhood which at its height comprised quite a large portion of it. I just can’t bring myself to see it with the same veil of nostalgia that everybody else sees it through. The same thing has happened with many other cultural touchstones while I was growing up. Everything to do with Pokemon other than the video games I now find terrible, Digimon wasn’t much better, Dragonball Z was mostly grunting, and the Redwall books were absurdly violent, repetitive, and overlong. Even Star Wars seems pretty silly now and I fucking loved Star Wars. Really the only thing I still view as being equally great now as when I first saw it is the Lord of the Rings trilogy. So now as I sit here reminiscing on Harry Potter and my childhood, I suppose it was more good than bad. It gave me more pleasant experiences overall than so-so experiences (I wouldn’t say I had any bad ones), but I won’t miss it and the only reason I’d go back to it is in the unlikely scenario that I have children of my own. For now I’ll just put it all behind me and finish up the far more magical and gripping Sandman series which I highly recommend you all read if you haven’t already.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

The Amazing Adventures of the Power Twins

Whenever evil rears its ugly head, have no fear! The Power Twins are always on hand to save the day! On the one hand there’s Erika armed with the ability to fly, turn invisible, shoot lightning from her hands, amazing durability, and super strength! On the other hand there is Jennifer with her spectacular ability to knit and sew, and also she has a car! Together they beat back the terrifying Tentacle Rape Monster, foiled the plot of the devious Doctor Machinegunhands, and locked away the vile Vendetta Knife Zombie! But can they surmount their deadliest obstacle yet, Andrew, who broke the sacred covenant of Secret Santa and has the power to control and manipulate ice as cold as his heart? When we last left our heroes they were on their way to his secret lair in the Canadian Arctic. Let’s check in on them now for the conclusion to their adventure.

Andrew’s had taken great precautions to establish his hideout in the least accessible location possible. To get there one had to travel many kilometers along twisty and icy roads filled with hairpin turns around steep cliffs. One wrong move would send you plummeting over the edge to a cold and lonely death. Compounding matters was the fact that it always snows heavily in this area of the world thanks to Andrew’s powers, making the road even more difficult to travel. Luckily, even the most dangerous of road conditions were no match for Jennifer and her expert driving skills.

“Are there yet?” asked Erika after a prolonged silence, “I’m bored.”

“Shut up okay! I’m trying to concentrate,” replied her irate and stressed sister.

“Sheesh! Why are you in such a bad mood?”

“We’re not exactly in the prairies right now. I kinda need to focus on the road right now.”

“You know I could just fly us there, right? It would probably be a lot faster.”

“Shut up! I can do this!”

“Okay, okay. Don’t throw a hissy fit. You don’t always need to prove that you’re useful. You can totally do stuff! We’d be freezing without those scarves you made.”

“I’m not trying to prove anything! I’m just as powerful as you!”

“Of course you are. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

“Oh, look. We’re here!” Jennifer pointed out excitedly as they cam upon a massive ice fortress atop the mountain peak. They rushed inside and found Andrew sitting upon his icy throne with his hands clasped together and a grimace on his face.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t Jenerika. I’ve been expecting you, though I must say you’re a tad late,” sneered the villain.

“We’re called The Power Twins!” shouted Jennifer angrily.

“I like the sound of Jenerika better. Has a nice ring to it don’t you agree?” inquired Andrew snidely.

“Shut up! We’re here to bring you to justice for all of your past crimes!” Erika threatened.

“We’ll see about that. Ice minions! Get them!”

At that a slew of misshapen ice creatures burst forth from the floor and charged at our heroes. Erika made short work of them with her electrical shocks. Andrew threw razor sharp ice shards at her faster than a blink of an eye, but she shrugged off the blows without a scratch. Next he attempted to freeze her in place with ice, but she broke free effortlessly. Jennifer meanwhile hid behind a rock.

“Curses!” cursed Andrew, “You may be impervious to my attacks, but I’d like to see you follow me down below the icy depths of the Arctic Sea.” And with that he hopped inside his ice submarine that was sticking out of a crack in the ice and launched into the ocean.

“How can he get to the ocean when we’re on top of a mountain?” wondered Erika aloud.

“Logic doesn’t matter right now. What matters is that we have to follow him.”

“How are we going to do that?”

“Leave that to me,” said Jennifer as she broke out her knitting tools. With tremendous speed she knitted a fully-functional submarine complete with periscope. They smiled at one another, clambered inside, and gave chase to Andrew. In no time at all they had caught up with him for he believed that he was completely safe beneath the waves and was taking his sweet time. It came as quite a surprise when his radar indicated that the twins were close behind, but by then it was too late. They rammed into his starboard side and punched a rather large hole into his icy vessel. He manage to seal it back up again, by freezing the water that poured in, and he breathed a sigh of relief that the twins had not used to the opportunity to rush aboard.

“Don’t get too comfortable,” said a voice behind him. He turned in shock to see Erika materialize behind him winding up a punch. She jammed her fist into his stomach and sent him flying across the sub into the walls. He slumped down on the ground unconscious. She then piloted the ship to the surface and carried Andrews limp body to her sister’s waiting ship.

“He’s down for the count. Time to go home,” said Erika Cheerfully. Jen made a really lame pun about ice which I shall not repeat here, and they both returned to Surrey where they handed Andrew over to the prison authorities who shut him up in solitary confinement for rejecting the ways of Secret Santa. They then went and made a nice cup of hot cocoa and did weeaboo things like watch anime, read manga, speak in Japanese for no reason, fawn over their favourite androgynous characters, and cosplay.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Dark Dave Conquers the Moon

The other day a friend was telling me how she often sympathizes with the villains in stories which reminded of an assignment I did back in high school in Writing 12 where we had to write a children's story. Since I was feeling lazy today, I decided I'd just put that up for you instead of writing brand new material (though I did alter the ending a bit). Enjoy.


Of all the supervillains in history of time there has only been one that can claim to be the evilest. A villain so vile that all the heroes tremble in fear at the mention of his name, and all the crooks bow low as he walks past. That villain is me, Dark Dave.

I have the power to send things flying and to run really, really fast. I have a black cape and a black mask. I have a ray gun and a watch that glows in the dark. But I don’t have a secret lair.

I need to find the perfect place for a base. Somewhere nobody would ever look surrounded in darkness. Some place large enough to house all my contraptions and clever plans. I don’t know where that place could be, but it’s definitely not my bedroom.

With no clue what I should use as a lair I turned to the sky for ideas. And there it was. Of course! It was so obvious. The moon had it all, and best of all there was nobody else up there to bother me or tell me what to do. I could hardly wait to go, but first I had to get some special equipment.

I rushed to my toy- I mean Box of Evil to gather my stuff. I knew that there was no air on the moon and no gravity either. So I got my snorkel so I could breathe and put some rocks in my pockets to weigh me down. That should do it. Now all I had to do was get there.

Most people get to the moon on rocketships, but I don’t have a rocketship so I’ll have to come up with something else. I might try building my own, but I don’t think I have the stuff to do that. Rocketships also make lots of fire and I know that fire is hot and if the stove has taught me anything it’s that hot things hurt.

First I tried jumping, but I couldn’t even reach the roof of my house. So I tried putting springs on my shoes to give me more bounce, but when I tried jumping on them I just fell flat on my face. I’ll work on that little kink when I get to the moon.

Maybe I could fly there, like a bird. That sounds easy enough. All I have to do is make some wings. Luckily I am great inventor so that shouldn’t be too hard. Just cut up some paper to look like feathers and then glue it onto some cardboard and presto! You got a pair of wings. Now I just have to try them out.

Bad news. It didn’t work as well as I’d hoped. No matter how fast I ran I couldn’t get in the air. I don’t know how kites do it. Birds just jump out of trees to fly, so I thought it was worth a shot. My mom, on the other hand, did not. But it wasn’t all bad. It did give me another idea.

When I climbed the tree in my backyard I realized that it was the closest I had come to reaching the moon. It kind of worked like a ladder. And that’s how I came up with the idea to build a ladder to the moon. It’s safe, cheap, and foolproof. I think the tree will be a good place to start building from. It’s already pretty high and I kind of like it up there.

All the supplies I need are in my basement. It’s pretty dark down there, but nowhere near as dark as Dark Dave. I ran down the stairs and found the hammer, some nails, and as much wood as I could carry then ran back up as fast as I could (I was pressed for time you see, so I had to run).

I took everything outside and got to work. This was going to take a long time. I figure at least three hours. I might not even be finished before bedtime. It was really tough work and some things didn’t nail together quite right, but I kept at it because Dark Dave never gives up.

My dad saw me building outside and came out to see what was up. I told him I was building a ladder to the moon. He asked if I wanted any help. At first I thought Dark Dave should work alone, but then I realized that most villains have minions. So I told him that he could help.

He wasn’t really much help though. Nothing he did looked like the plan I had in mind. It didn’t even really look like a ladder. I think he even put a roof on it. What kind of ladder has a roof on it? Oh well. I guess you can’t expect much from a mindless minion. I’ll make some better ones after I reach the moon.

After a while I was feeling hungry so I went inside get some food. A villain can’t work on an empty stomach after all. And I left my minion outside to continue with the plans. On the way back from the kitchen I got distracted by the T.V. I wanted to see if I had made the news yet. Turns out cartoons don’t tell you the news.

After a while I decided to go back outside to see how my minion was doing. What I saw looked nothing like a ladder at all. It looked more like a small house, and it was in a tree of all places. I think even the worst minions know the difference between a ladder and a house so I must have the worst minion ever.

I was about to go yell at my minion who was still working on the house, but when I climbed up I was impressed by what I saw. It was really roomy in the treehouse with plenty of space for all my gadgets and plans and best of all it was dark. Maybe my minion isn’t so bad after all. I might hire him on steady.

So now I finally have my secret lair. I call it The Fortress of Doom. I put in a table to work at and brought up all of my best devices. I even made a super secret candy hole where I hide my favorite food. It may not be the moon, but as I look up into the night sky and see it shining down, I realize it was with me all along. It’s time to start plotting…


Bonus points to whoever can come up with a good name for Dark Dave's mortal enemy.

The True Meaning of Boxing Day

I woke up on Boxing Day feeling tired and depressed. I wondered to myself what the point to this holiday was and why it existed in the first place. As far as I could see, every Christmas people come together as a family for love, and then the very next day all of that is forgotten and replaced by a mindless consumer orgy. Normally I just spend this meaningless day reading in my room, but on this particular Boxing Day I was invited out to a party with some friends. This alternative to shopping gave me hope. This year, I was going to enjoy friendship and I wasn’t going to all of that consumerism get to me!

I went to go pick up my good friend, Zach, on the way to the party and I expressed my frustrations with December 26th. He listened while I ranted and once I was finished he said, “You know what you need? A cookie,” and offered me a molasses cookie out of the tin he was carrying. I sighed, but accepted since molasses cookies are delicious. We spent the remainder of the drive discussing various philosophical issues and totally not just talking about X-Men.

We got distracted by our debate, got lost, and arrived at the party an hour later than intended. When we finally entered the host’s house I was surprised to find only five other people (including the host) were there.

“Where is everybody?” I asked.

“I think most of them are Boxing Day shopping,” replied Joanna.

“Kevin just called and said he forgot, but would be coming sometime within the next eight hours,” said our host, Jen, or maybe it was her twin sister Erika. I’m never quite sure which is which and they were both standing right next to each other.

“I fucking hate you guys,” supplied Brendan who was almost certainly only here because he had nothing better to do.

Dana took our pictures.

I was deeply saddened by this news, but decided to make the best of it just the same and broke out some board games. We had hardly played for half an hour before Joanna received a text from Lily talking about some amazing sales that were going on and how we should all come and cash in on these deals. I was none too impressed by any of this, but Brendan wanted some new headphones, Dana wanted a new camera lens, Zach wanted to piss me off, and the others wanted to stock up on manga/anime. So out we went to the meet up Lily and a few others at the mall while I grumbled all the way.

As was expected, the mall was jammed packed with customers and it was almost impossible to find our other friends, but we eventually found them at the food court already laden down with countless shopping bags.

“Woooo! Let’s go buy some more clothes,” shouted Lily as soon as we’d greeted each other. I don’t much care for shopping to begin with, and I especially hate shopping when it’s busy, and hate shopping for clothes even more, so this was about the worst possible thing that could have happened. While everybody else ran around picking up everything they could find that met the basic requirements of looking cute and being cheap, I sat in a corner and moped as I tend to do on such occasions. I looked around the store with disinterest until my eyes landed on a humble little toque on top of a shelf. My old toque hasn’t fit on my head since I was twelve, so I figured I might as well pick up a new one. I took it up to the cashier who rang it up at ten dollars. Lily suddenly appeared behind me and inquired what I was buying.

“It’s a toque,” I answered.

“Cool. I much is it?”

“Ten dollars.”

"Even with the sale?” asked Joanna who as she came up on my other side.

“I don’t think it is on sale.”

“What? Then why would you get it?” queried Brendan who had come over to see what was going on.

“Because I like it.”

“Well there’s a different toque right over here that’s 50% off. Just think of the savings!” Dana contributed.

“I like this one better, but thanks anyways.”

“You’re weird man. You don’t get Boxing Day at all,” observed Lily.

“I must admit that I do not. Is there anybody here who can explain to me why we all go apeshit every December 26th over crap we don’t need? Can anybody explain to me what Boxing Day is really all about?”

“I can Snake-Eyes,” chimed in Zach, “lights please.” The lighting didn’t change at all, but he launched into his monologue anyway. “So every year right after we celebrate the birth of baby Jesus and things like love, family, generosity and all that good stuff, the next day we all reflect on boxing. Not the fighting type of boxing, but like the boxing where you put things into boxes. The reason for this is because the day after Jesus was born and all the people had brought their gifts, Mary and Joseph needed a place to store all the stuff because how is a baby supposed to use things like gold, frankincense and myrrh? But they were poor and in a manger filled with animals, right? So they didn’t really have any safe place to store it away from the elements. But since Joseph was a carpenter he just made a bunch of boxes out of wood and put all the stuff in there and then kept it around the back. That’s the true meaning of Boxing Day, Snake-Eyes.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Zach? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” I exclaimed.

“Well what did you expect me to say? It’s just an excuse to buy stuff at ridiculously low prices.”

“Oh now I get it. On second thought, I will get that cheaper toque.”

And then we all sang the classic Boxing Day song, “Eye of the Tiger.”

The End

Sunday, December 25, 2011

A Tour of My House at Christmas with Pictures

Because I'm not hosting a Christmas party at my house this year, a friend asked me to take pictures of all the holiday goodness that she missed out on since my mom goes all out at Christmas time. Here is a small portion of the decorations filling my house that I find most interesting or significant.
















The outdoor lights with the "peppermint" tree to the left that my dad and I are oh so proud of.
















My grandpa's homemade candles that I'm fairly certain are made entirely out of materials from the 60's.
















The misleading "This House Believes in Santa" sign along with some snowmen.
















The staircase with some sore of fake plant wrapped around the banister (and more snowmen).
















The spinning snowman toy that's somewhat hypnotic to watch in action.
















Mr. and Mrs. Claus
















The Advent Tree which I faithfully add a decoration to each day of December leading up to Christmas. Sadly, it used to light up, spin around, and play music but no more.
















The musical snowmen with a new addition; the trombone player.
















The magical angels that spin around and ring bells when you light the candles.
















One of my favourite decorations.
















The plate we used to put the milk and cookies on for Santa.
















Some more nice decorations
















Our personalized stockings
















My mom's light-up Christmas village complete with firehall, school, and train station.
















Some families like to have a stylistic theme to their Christmas tree. We just cover it in random crap.
















Harry Potter and Hedwig
















A pretty angel
















The leg lamp and the box it came in from A Christmas Story that plays quotes from the movie
















7 of 9 and apparently a Christmas Spider (it makes...tinsel?)
















I was not aware we had a sushi decoration until today
















When my mom gave this fat angel to my overweight sister she innocently said "When I saw this, I thought of you."
















And of course, my dad's incredibly tacky Canucks Snowman with a little tree to keep him company.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Walking Dead

Seeing as how its Christmas Eve I thought there’d be no better time than the present to voice my thoughts on everybody’s favourite zombie apocalypse TV show, The Walking Dead. Rather than do a thoughtful analysis on the themes presented in the show and what it says about today’s society, I thought instead I’d just give you my opinion which characters are awesome and which are lame. For those of you unfamiliar with the show here is the cast of characters:












From left to right: Sheriff, Little Girl, Mother, Wifey, Son, Black Man, Asain Guy, Stupidface, Old Man, Mr. Awesome, Sheriff's Friend

The Sheriff (aka Rick)
















It's hard not to look cool when pointing a gun off to the left of the camera

He’s the leader of the group and the show’s main character. He always does his best to do what’s right even if it means making things harder for him, and tirelessly works to keep everybody alive and well. At the same time you can see that this new world he woke up in is slowly getting to him and his sanity is slipping out beneath him. I enjoy watching his journey, I think he’s well-developed, and he stands out as one of the most sympathetic characters on the show. A lot of people don’t like the British actor’s Southern accent, but they all sound retarded anyway so I can deal with that.

Little Girl (aka Sophia)











SPOILER ALERT: The above picture contains massive spoilers

Her personality is she’s a little girl who runs away screaming. I honestly can’t think of anything more to say about her.

Mother (aka Carol)














Mother at her most happy

She really wants to find her daughter and she won’t fucking stop crying until that wish is granted. I think that about sums up all you need to know about her and my opinion of her.

Wifey (aka Lori)















Wifey doing... stuff

This show suffers from a severe lack of strong female characters, and the fact that Wifey here is probably the strongest greatly saddens me. She’s fundamentally useless and is dependent on men (either Sheriff or his friend) for survival. She divides her time between crying and bitching out. I really believe the writers can go places with this character and develop her into something more likable, but for now I guess we’ll just have to watch her cook and do dishes in the zombie apocalypse.

Son (aka Carl)











Shut up, Son

When Son got accidentally shot in the stomach I literally did not give a shit. Partly because I knew he’d somehow survive, but mostly because I don’t care about him. Child actors often aren’t that great (for an example to the contrary see Maisie Williams as Arya Stark in Game of Thrones) and I feel guilty holding lack of acting skill against them, but in this case I can’t help but find him obnoxious. H could be worse I suppose. Nothing will ever compare to Jake Lloyd in Phantom Menace.

Black Man (aka T-Dog)



















Black Man at his most efficient

At one point Black Man expresses his frustration at always been left behind while the others go out to search and explore. The reason for this is that he’s really dumb. He’s so inept that he manages to seriously wound himself on a car door. There are a thousand acceptable ways to kill or injure yourself in a zombie apocalypse and this is not one of them. I honestly do not understand how he’s made it this far. By this point in his life he must have run himself over with a lawnmower at least twice and probably got trapped in the dishwasher while working at KFC. He’s so clumsy you’d think he was the female lead in a romantic comedy.

Asian Guy (aka Glenn)













Kid, you're alright

It’s hard not to like Asian Guy. He’s useful, nice, funny, clever, and gets to have sex with Farmer’s Daughter (aka Maggie). Given his situation he’s surprisingly optimistic and relatively sane. He’s one of the few characters whose death I’d be deeply saddened by, but I’m fairly confident he’ll survive based on what I’ve been told of the comics and the fact that everybody seems to like him. He’s just an all around cool guy.

Stupidface (aka Andrea)













This picture accurately summarizes my opinions on this character

If you couldn’t already guess, I’m not a huge fan of Stupidface. All she does is mope and whine about how nobody respects her. She seems to assume this is because she can’t use guns, but I’m pretty sure it’s because she’s useless, and well, stupid. When they do finally let her use guns, the first thing she does is accidentally shoot and almost kill Mr. Awesome (more on him later) which if he had died would have actually been the worst thing that could have possibly happened (my least favourite character killing off my favourite). My friends who read the comic books assure me that she will get cool and badass further down the road and god I hope they’re right.

Old Man (aka Dale)










He sees into your soul!

I used to like Old Man, but recently I’ve found him to be increasingly annoying. He always acts like he knows everything, knows who you really are, and knows exactly what to do. The problem is he’s kinda dumb and doesn’t really understand people’s motivations at all, but that doesn’t stop him from acting like he does and pissing off everyone around him in the process. He went from being grandfatherly to being a holier-than-thou know-it-all.

Mr. Awesome (aka Daryl)














Fuck yeah!

Mr. Awesome is awesome. He’s super effective at killing zombies with his crossbow and looks badass while doing it what with all his armless shirts. At one point he’s wearing a shirt with arms just so he can rip them off and make a tourniquet for himself before killing a couple zombies with his bare hands and scaling a cliff, all while grievously wounded and battling his personal demons. Considering that he’s a redneck he’s also surprisingly nice, helpful, and caring and does better than most at keeping his humanity intact. I also find it interesting that he’s one of the most interesting and likable characters on the show even though he’s not in the comic books at all as far as I’m aware. So I guess the writers must be doing something right.

Sheriff’s Friend (aka Shane)













Shane seen here uncharacteristically carrying a gun

This guy apparently died in the comic books ages ago, but I don’t mind that they kept him around. Sure he’s a hotheaded asshole, but I find he makes for a compelling villain who inhabits a moral grey zone. Some say he’s just another example of the zombie fiction cliché of humans being the real monsters, but I don’t find his character to be so simplistic. He walks a fine line between cold-blooded killer and caring soul, and all of his actions can be read in both lights. He does what it takes to keep those he cares about alive and at least he isn’t retarded or a pussy about it which is more than a lot of the other survivors can say.

Bonus points to whoever comes up with the best insult for Stupidface.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Feet, Photography, and Friendship

Dana was sitting in her bedroom doing what she does every Saturday afternoon; looking over photographs she had taken in the past week of random people’s feet. There were some pretty nice feet in there, but nothing really stood out until she stumbled upon a familiar looking pair of feet.

“I’d recognize those soles anywhere!” exclaimed Dana to nobody in particular, “It’s Daniel! But what’s in that strange bag he’s carrying? And why does it look like he’s walking into that abandoned building? More importantly, why didn’t he stop and say hello?”

With all of these questions needing answers, Dana promptly strapped on her finest pair of adventure boots and headed out the door right down to the bus stop where she caught the first one headed downtown. She would have texted Daniel, but he hadn’t replied to one in over two weeks so she figured she’d go straight to the source and find out just what he was up to. She got off right near the abandoned building his feet were seen entering in the picture.

“Time to do some detectiving. Detectioning. Detecting,” she said as passerby gave her odd looks. She looked about furtively before gently opening the door to the abandoned building and sneaking in. Much to her disappointment, there was nothing surprising to speak of inside. There was garbage littered all over the floor and a sleeping bag with a drugged up hobo in the corner, but nothing that would suggest any sort of clandestine activity associated with Daniel.

“Have you seen anything strange going on around here,” she asked the hobo. He responded by jumping up lightning quick and rushing towards her shouting obscenities about the Ocelot King. Dana temporarily blinded him with the flash on her camera and proceeded to kick him square in the nuts. He collapsed on the floor flailing about in a seizure.

“You’re weird,” observed Dana and walked along the walls to see if she could find any hidden passages. She pushed aside the dilapidated remains of a shelf and found a stairwell going down concealed behind it. She smiled and congratulated herself on outsmarting Daniel which despite being incredibly easy to do is still quite rewarding. She cautiously began her descent unsure of what she might find beyond. Once at the bottom she found herself standing in some sort of lab filled with mechanical apparatus and a very large and bizarre looking machine in the center.

“What on earth could this be,” she wondered aloud, and then saw the giant sign hanging above it reading “Daniel’s Friendship Destroying Device”.

“Very subtle Daniel,” she said aloud.

“I thought so,” replied a voice behind her that caused her to gasp and turn around. His face was shrouded in darkness for dramatic effect, but she could tell by his feet that it was Daniel in the flesh.

“I was being sarcastic,” she retorted.

“Were you now?”

“Yes.”

“Fuck. Well no matter. It’s too late for you to stop me now. Well, almost too late. I just have to attach these last few parts I have in this bag. And also activate the device. But then friendship will be destroyed forever! Muahahahaha!”

“Why do you hate friendship so much?”

“All my life I’ve been happy and having fun with friends and enjoying life in general, but now I’m sick of it. No more friendship I say! It must be destroyed for the betterment of humanity!”

“How would losing friendship and all the joy it brings benefit humanity?”

“Because then we’ll have more time to spend with our girlfriends.”

“You’re so lame.”

“You won’t be saying that once my machine is activated and my masterplan has come to fruition!”

“And how exactly does your machine work?”

“I dunno. Magic or something.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure your Friendship Destroying Device is made out of old boxes wrapped in tinfoil with pie plates and construction paper attached to it, but just to be on the safe side I think I’ll destroy it anyway.”

And so with a well-placed kick she brought the whole machine crumbling to the ground and for good measure she yoinked the bag of materials from Daniel’s hand, threw it on the pile, and lit it all on fire. Because Daniel was such a pansy, all he could do was cry and watch helplessly as his life’s work was reduced to ashes. Dana took a picture of the scene (as well as Daniel’s feet) and prepared to return to the surface.

“You coming too?” she asked Daniel before she headed up.

“No. I think I need a moment alone,” he answered, sobbing.

“Ok. See you at the Christmas party then.”

“Actually, I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it.”

“Why not?”

“Because I hate friendship.”

“Oh, you,” she said and they both had a good laugh.

The End

Bonus points to whoever can prove that they love friendship the most.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Sufferrosa Review

Way back when the Vancouver International Film Festival (VIFF) was in town, I discovered a movie playing that, based on the description on the VIFF website, sounded very cool. It’s was called Sufferrosa and it was billed as a neo-film noir where the audience got to choose what happened in the film (such as what characters to follow and what paths they take). To top it all off, the director would be there in person to answer any questions we may have about the film. I headed downtown with a couple of friends to see it and we excitedly debated what would happen as we stood in a long line of equally excited patrons. We were all expecting an interesting, enjoyable, and unique cinematic experience and although I suppose Sufferrosa met some of those expectations (it was definitely… different, but more on that later) it was a total letdown for all but a few of the people in the theatre. Those who did seem to enjoy it I’m assuming were some combination of super pretentious, faking it, and aware of what they were in for. Below is my description of what happened and why it was colossal disappointment.

It starts off with the director standing up in front of the theatre and telling everybody that the whole movie is available online for free (after we’d all just $15 for the privilege of seeing it now) and that he would be choosing everything that happened, instead of the audience participation suggested by the website. So, already I’m pretty irritated and the movie hasn’t even begun.

The curtains rise and the prologue begins where the protagonist describes his new case where he has to find a missing woman in some island facility. This is the only time we’ll hear his voice and the last time we’ll get any semblance of a plot. In the next scene he is dumped into the basement of the facility and we are treated to some creepy imagery of his jittery fingers. Now comes the first choice: click on this one random spot on the screen, or click on this other random spot on the screen. It’s a tough call, but eventually he goes with option B. I was expecting the choices to be more along the lines of do you save the girl or fight the villain, but instead they are completely arbitrary and don’t seem to have any bearing on anything.

















Look at all the choices!

To be fair, sometimes the choices make a little more sense like do you continue walking down this hallway or do I open this door and listen to some person tell me there life story that in no way advances the plot or solves the mystery. Actually, come to think of it there really isn’t any mystery which is odd for a movie purporting to be a neo-film noir. As far as I can tell you just keep walking down the hallway until you reach the end and then congratulations; the mystery is solved! Apparently there are alternate endings so I suppose going off on those tangents must have some effect, but I can only assume these effects are as arbitrary as the choices.













Pictured: not important

There are quite a few side characters who will all tell you about their lives and the treatment provided at the facility that makes women young and beautiful again. Some of their stories can be interesting or funny, but most are just bizarre like everything else. It doesn’t help that they all look creepy, say creepy things, and also move creepy. That last one might sound weird, but you’re just going to have to believe me. Every character has a five second loop that plays over and over again where they’re doing such exciting things as breathing or swaying back and forth while staring into the camera. In fact, there’s so much sitting around doing nothing that I’d say Sufferrosa barely qualifies as a motion picture. Then there’s the naked, bent over, geisha girl robots. They’re pretty cool.













Hawt.

This isn’t to say the movie was entirely bad. As I mentioned earlier, some of the characters were entertaining and the film also had interesting things to say on how we conceive female beauty. The best parts were when you listened to the recordings (kind of like in Bioshock) of an investigative journalist uncovering the bizarre and horrifying treatments and experiments going on at the facility. There was actually a suspenseful and gripping story going on there that made me want to know more and find out what happened in the end. That’s what the movie should have been instead of all this artsy fartsy bullshit. If the director had given his entire movie a story with some structure like in the recordings then I think it would have been a lot better without detracting from the social commentary.















So, a lot less of this would be nice

The film ended with the protagonist leaving the island all of a sudden with no explanation as to why. I turned around to notice one of my friends had fallen asleep, the other was really creeped out, and a good three quarters of the audience had left. We stayed for about ten minutes of the Q:A session where people asked pretentious questions and the director gave equally pretentious and nonsensical answers before realizing that we didn’t give a fuck and left. I suppose the director would say that we didn’t get it, that we didn’t understand, and that our underdeveloped minds should stick to Transformers, and if that’s what he has to tell himself before he goes to bed to convince himself that his work matters then so be it. I want nothing more to do with his bullshit.




















I do not much care for this man.

I was thinking of providing the link to the Sufferrosa website, but ultimately decided not to because trust me when I say you don’t want to see it. If you still don’t believe me then just google “Sufferrosa” and will probably be the first hit. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Bonus points to Joanna because it’s her birthday. Happy birthday Joanna!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Eight Crazy Nights

As I’m sure all of you well know, today is the first day of Hanukkah, the only Jewish holiday most of you can name with the possible exception of Yom Kippur. In honour of the occasion I shall review the forty-five minutes I saw of Adam Sandler’s animated Hanukkah movie, Eight Crazy Nights. Actually come to think of it, this is about the worst possible thing I could do in honour of the occasion short of extinguishing a menorah with my own piss, but I’m gonna do it anyway.

So I’m just going to get this out of the way right off the bat: Eight Crazy Nights sucks. It’s an awful movie that nobody should watch. It’s not funny, there are no interesting characters, the voice-acting is aggravating, the songs are forgettable, and pretty much every aspect of it is annoying. I missed the beginning and couldn’t stand to watch it until the end, but I saw enough of it to know that it’s one of the worst holiday specials in existence. Although every element of this movie fails in its own particular way there are three specific things that I find particularly aggravating and worthy of mention: the proliferation of poop jokes, the old midget man, and the fact that it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with Hanukkah.

Poop Jokes
At one point in time I imagine Adam Sandler wrote clever jokes, but those days must be long gone now because 90% of the jokes in this movie relate to fecal matter in one way or another. A guy eating a jock strap, the Old Midget Man being pushed down a hill in an outhouse, reindeers smiling with a mouth full of shit; it’s all played for laughs and I am sure it might be hilarious when you’re a nine year old boy and the mere mention of the word “poo” is a cause for raucous laughter, but for anybody else on the planet it is deeply saddening. I understand that gross-out humour has niche market, but I think everybody has a limit (proportional to brain-size) and this movie goes way beyond that for all except the most retarded of people (nine year old boys who probably live in trailer parks).

The Old Midget Man
So all of the characters in this movie suck in their own way that’s not even special that’s how hard they suck, but one stands above (or below) the rest as the most obnoxious: the Old Midget Man who I am sure has a name, but I do not have the inclination to look it up because seriously, fuck this guy. I’m pretty sure he’s intended to be the most comical character in the movie, but he comes off as the one I want to punch the hardest. I’m pretty sure he’s modeled after Ewoks because like them he’s short, hairy, and has a grating voice. Why Adam Sandler gave him that voice I’ll never know, but I can only assume its because he hates love and compassion. There is no character I have ever wanted to die harder in any movie since Mary Corleone in The Godfather Part III, but in this case my wish is never granted. Instead, as one giant fuck you from Sandler, he almost dies on numerous occasions from seizures, exposure, or violence, but always manages to survive so he can come back and annoy the viewer with a vengeance. Just when you think it can’t possibly get any worse, they introduce you to his sister, also voiced by Sandler, who is essentially his female counterpart just so they can double the irritation. I don’t know why this movie hates happiness so much. It’s like the anti-comedy.

Lack of Hanukkah
Despite the fact that this film purports to be about Hanukkah, I could not spot a single reference to Judaism, nevermind the December holiday, at any point in the forty-five minutes I watched. I’m sure its there by the end, but the fact that they completely disregard it for a solid half of the movie seems a bit odd. Even when they visit the Old Midget Man’s house, who I’m pretty sure is supposed to be Jewish, the only visible holiday decoration is a Christmas tree. This leads into what I find to be the most depressing aspect of this movie. While all the Christian boys and girls get a whole slew of great Christmas movies and specials to choose from (The Grinch, Charlie Brown, A Christmas Story, etc.) all the Jewish kids get for Hanukkah is Eight Crazy Nights and it hardly has anything to do with it at all (I think Rugrats might have a Hanukkah episode to be fair). If you’re a Jewish parent and you want your kid to watch a holiday cartoon to compete with Rudolph or Frosty and teach them about their heritage, you pretty much have no choice but to pop this movie in, and god that’s tragic.

Bonus points to whoever describes the best death scene for the Old Midget Man.

Ewoks

When it comes to the Star Wars saga few characters get as much hate as Jar Jar Binks, but there is one particular group that I find particular offensive, annoying, and downright stupid. In fact, I consider them to be the worst thing in the whole Star Wars universe and they’re not even in the new trilogy at all. I am of course referring to Ewoks. I want to punch one of them so bad. They single-handedly prevented Return of the Jedi from potentially being the best in the whole series. I hate them so much that the mere sight of them offends me. I’m not even going to include any images or videos of them because I can’t stand to look at their stupid faces, or hear their grating voices, or facepalm as they run around just being Ewoks. The one exception I’ll make is this picture of a dead Ewok that makes me absurdly happy.










HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The first thing about them that pisses me right off is their appearance. I am pretty sure they’re supposed to be adorable or something because they kinda look like teddy bears, but really the only word I can think of that truly describes how they look is abomination. They have the sort of face that you cannot help but want to punch repeatedly. The fact that they’re only two feet tall just makes you want to kick them to boot. And then they start to talk. If somehow you were resisting the urge to curb stomp them before, now it’s the only thing on your mind. They sound like a combination of a munchkin and the little, old Portuguese lady who goes to my mom’s church and are five times as incoherent. This is the worst thing to ever happen to sound and that includes autotune.

At this point, the best that can happen is if the heroes escape the clutches of the Ewoks and maybe kill some or all of them in the process. But obviously George Lucas is dumb as shit so instead they ally with them. This is when things go from incredibly obnoxious to pants-on-head retarded. Together with a handful of rebels, the Ewoks manage to take out the Empire literally using sticks and stones. The same Empire that is so technologically advanced and powerful that they are in the process of building a second Death Star, a moon-sized murder machine capable of blowing up planets. Apparently, highly-trained Stormtroopers (most of whom are clones of Jango Fett, aka the most feared and efficient bounty hunter who ever lived) armed with laser guns and full body armour are no match for a tribe of fluffy midgets and some slingshots. They even manage to destroy an AT-ST Walker with a couple of logs. How are you supposed to fear the Empire when the Care Bears can bring them to their knees? It’s not only ridiculous, but completely unrealistic.

Like Jar Jar Binks, I think Ewoks were put in mostly to appeal to children, but when you’re movie has space dogfights, lasers, state-of-the-art special effects, and Han Solo you really don’t need anything else to keep the kids interested. There is absolutely no reason why they should be in the movies at all. I looked at the Wikipedia article on Ewoks to see if Lucas had any explanation as to how and why he conceived of Ewoks and this is what I found:

“Wookies are tall, so he made Ewoks short.”

What the fuck? Goddammit!

Bonus points if somebody, anybody, can explain why Ewoks are.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Textual Errors

As a guy who has to deal frequently with reading, writing, and language in general you could say I have rather high interest in words and their correct usage. I always try to use proper grammar and spelling unless I’m chatting online in which case this falls apart almost entirely and I’ll use abbreviations and acronyms such as “ty”, “probs” and “stfu” like everyone else. There are limits to this however. For instance, if I’m typing a complete word I’ll actually spell it out how it’s supposed to be with the letters in their proper place. So I’ll type “computer” instead of “cmoptuer” and if I do make such an error I will immediately correct myself like so: “*computer” with the asterisk to indicate that I’m making a correction. When other people don’t correct themselves I don’t get too upset because I understand what they meant and so long as they don’t consistent spell every other in a sentence wrong I can deal with it. But there are certain abuses that really get on my nerves and people who make daily use of these transgressions should be slapped.

ALL CAPS WITH AN OVERUSE OF EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!
I understand that it can be difficult for elements such as emotion and sarcasm to come through in the written word which lacks the intonation found in the spoken word, but there are better ways to convey that you are angry, excited, or retarded. One way would be to improve your vocabulary and find words that effectively get your sentiment across. In relation to that it’s important to understand context and connotation. Certain words are associated with positive or negative meanings (such as “I hate that lady” versus “I hate that whore”) and when you put certain words together it can create a whole new meaning depending on how they relate to one another (such as “look at this steaming pile of shit,” versus “this town is a steaming pile of shit). If this is too much for you to handle then know that “fuck” is a very enigmatic word that will definitely get your point across without excessive use of capital letters and exclamation marks.

Abbreviating Words into Words that Are Already Words
There are many example of this, but the one I am most familiar with (and most enraged by) is the shortening of “jealous” into jelly”. Not only does using such an abbreviation make a conversation more confusing, but you sound retarded when you do it, like really fucking stupid. Now whenever people ask me if I’m jelly I always reply “No, I may be jam, but I’m definitely not jelly,” because an idiotic question like that deserves such a nonsensical reply.

Deliberate Misspellings
This is most commonly done by thirteen year-olds who think that they’re leet and so spell “the” as “teh” or “gentlemen” as “mentlegen”. There is absolutely no reason for this outside of wanting people you meet online to know ahead of time that you’re inbred before they socialize with you. It really does not take any effort to spell the word correctly and maybe people might actually start respecting you if you do. Wait, what the fuck am I talking about. This is the internet.

Using Numbers as Letters
The same group that deliberately misspells words also tends commit this crime as well, replacing the letter “e” with “3” all over the place. Again, it makes me ask, why? What purpose does it serve? It doesn’t make anything shorter. If anything it takes longer to read through a sentence filled with needless numbers, because they’re not the same as letters. They serve a different function and the mind has to work around that when trying to read them as part of the alphabet. It is fundamentally stupid and its pathetic watching nerds trying to pass off as cool by inserting numbers where they don’t belong. If you insist on doing this then please don’t talk to me. There’s enough retarded on the internet for me to deal with as it is.

Saying “sup” as a Greeting
I know that this is really specific and weird, but for some reason it’s one of my pet peeves. I think it’s because “sup” is the abbreviated form of “what’s up?” so whenever somebody uses it as a greeting I always read it as a question. I’ll then reply “not much” (or “nm” if I’m feeling particularly lazy) which leads to an awkward situation where I’ve just provided an answer to a question they don’t even realize they’ve asked, and now they don’t know how to respond. It’s even worse if I provide a more in-depth answer like “vanquishing Spearhead Peak” when all they expected was a simple hello. It also confuses me when they say “sup” and immediately follow it with “what’s going on?” because it’s like they’re asking the same question twice. I guess my point is, just stick to “hey,” “hi,” or even “yo.”

Using Text Speak in Everyday Speak
Lately there has been a trend of language people use on the internet spilling over into common speech when people talk to one another face to face. Even I have been guilty of this on occasion and every time I repent my sin and die a little bit inside. It’s a terrifying trend and a pointless one as it not only degrades our language skills, but it defeats the purpose of abbreviation these online words were initially meant to serve. Saying “ty” is no shorter than saying “thank you” and is ten times more insipid for every letter you leave out. This must be stopped before it goes to far and we forget what it’s like to feel and people say “lol” instead of actually laughing or “qq” instead of crying. I know that this is a slippery slope argument, but it’s still a bad habit.

Bonus points to whoever includes all of these pet peeves of mine in a creative response.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Glee Fanfic

So my older sister is in to some pretty weird shit and last summer I discovered that she enjoyed reading Glee fanfiction. I discovered this because her laptop broke down and she had to borrow mine and one day when I went on to play Text Twist I found a window open filled with some of the most horrifying garbage I have ever seen written. I don’t remember what it was I read because I only read one sentence and have since put up every mental block possible to repress it. I decided then and there that I hated both Glee and fanfiction. What follows is my expression of that contempt and is also incredibly filthy and retarded and should not be read by anyone.

Chapter 1: Milkshake (aka The Chapter Where the Disgusting Rape Happens)
“Well everybody,” said Mr. Shoe, “It’s been a long, hard year, but we’ve really come through, and I just wanted all of you to know that regardless of what happens at sessionals tomorrow, I’m proud of you. We’ve all learned valuable lessons about friendship and believing not only in yourselves, but in each other.”

Everybody in the room puts on their most sugar-coated smile and look around at each other in the sappiest expression possible of the warm feelings they have developed for one another. Little do they know that they’re about to turn up the heat on these feelings and really get their groove on.

“Alright everybody,” continued Mr. Shoe, “that’s a wrap for today. Go home and get some much needed rest and I’ll see you all tomorrow for the big show.”

Everybody filed out of the room with the big smiles still on their faces for the number one rule to glee club is to never stop smiling unless there is melodrama which there wasn’t yet so they had to keep smiling or be murdered by the glee fairy. Black Girl and Gay Guy were the last to leave, but before Gay Guy could exit Black Girl slammed the door shut and turned to face him. She didn’t have to say a word as Gay Guy could read her intentions in her eyes. And then she started to gyrate wildly and launched into her rendition of Kelis’ Milkshake. He backed away slowly, but she advanced on him until his back was against the wall.

“Please,” he begged, “I’m not into you like that. Glee Club has taught me that we’re all beautiful on the inside, but that doesn’t mean I want you.”

But she wasn’t taking no for an answer and continued with her song and dance. In a last ditch attempt to preserve his virginity, he screeched that he was gay, but that wasn’t the first time a man had told Black Girl that to avoid being violated in the worst way possible. She began taking off her clothes starting with her shirt. Gay Guy vomited, but Black Girl interpreted that as a sign of love like how in South Park, Stan always pukes on Wendy whenever she tries to kiss him. She rubbed the vomit on his naked body and forced herself onto Gay Guy. What followed was some of the most deviant sexual activity involving every possible bodily fluid and excretion that would make even Bob Saget cringe. When all was said and done, Black Girl stared into the hald-dead Gay Guy’s eyes and said, “now you know the reason why they call me Urethra Franklin” (I apologize for that). Meanwhile, Asian Girl says and does nothing. Wheelchair sits in a corner and masturbates.

Chapter 2: Hot for Teacher (aka The Chapter Where the Hot Sex Happens)
Mr. Shoe was sitting in his office marking papers or worrying about his wife or looking at naked pictures the counselor had sent him of some bullshit like that when Rachel walked in with that same, dead smile plastered on her face.

“Hello, Rachel. What can I do for you?”

“It’s about the solo tomorrow. I was wondering if I could have it instead of Cheerleader.”

“We’ve been through this a hundred times, Rachel. She’s best suited for the part.”

“But I know I can do better. To be honest, I’m the best there is and the most dedicated to Glee Club. There is no distance I won’t go to ensure we win tomorrow,” and at that she moved in towards Mr. Shoe gently singing Hot for Teacher by Van Halen. She sexily pulled at his tie.

“I don’t know about this…” said Mr. Shoe, but then she grabbed at his throbbing manhood and he suddenly realized that he did not give a fuck.

“Let’s do this!” he shouted and took off his clothes in a flash as backlights came on. He stripped Rachel down in similar time and together the two performed various sexual positions while gleefully singing Hot for Teacher. Shit, it was so hot. Like this sex scene totally makes up for the last one in how hot it is. Nice round titties bouncing all over the place, and Mr. Shoe’s ripped abs, and so much thrusting. It was so hot that when Counselor and Cheerleader Coach walked in on this totally illegal scene (which just made it all the hotter) to see what all the noise was about, they did the only sensible thing and started making out with one another. They then had a hot, lesbian sex scene just to add to the hotness of the hot sex scene already in progress. They all climax together just as they reach the end of the song. Asian girl says and does nothing. The Cripple sits in a corner and masturbates.

Chapter 3: What What (In the Butt) (aka The Chapter Where the Gay Sex Happens)
The Jock, having realized that he had forgotten something in the Glee Room, returns to pick it up and finds Gay Guy lying in a daze where Black Girl had left him. He rushes to his side to see what’s wrong and to help him up. Gay Guy is only half-conscious and thinks that he’s in heaven or dreaming when he sees The Jock’s perfected human form standing over him. The Jock brings Gay Guy’s face closer to his to get better look at the damage Black Girl had done and realizes that even in his current state, Gay Guy has deep, beautiful, blue eyes. They spontaneously lock lips for just a second before parting and staring at one another confusedly. Gay Guy is fully awake all of a sudden. They kiss again, but this time for much, much longer. Gay Guy is already mostly naked and offers his body up to The Jock who responds by ripping off his shirt like literally into pieces.

“Take me now,” Gay Guy whispers in The Jock’s ear as he turns over and reveals his smooth bottom, “You know you want to do what what in my butt.”

“I don’t think it will fit,” replies The Jock as he whips out his massive schlong,” you’ll have to moisten it first.

Gay Guy complies with vigorous enthusiasm and after sufficiently wetting it, resumes his position and has his rear penetrated for the second time that day (they call her Urethra Franklin for more than one reason it turns out (once again I apologize)) all the while singing What What (In the Butt) by Smawell complete with creepy smile. They make love passionately and tenderly and lie in one another’s arms for some time afterwards, absolutely drenched in sweat. Asian girl says and does nothing. Handicap sits in a corner and masturbates.

Also I forgot to mention in the last chapter if Rachel got the part. She totally did.

Chapter 4: Three Steps to Heaven (aka The Chapter Where the Threesome Happens)
After the gay sex, The Jock goes to the locker room to take a shower and get rid of the sweat he’s covered in. Just as he’ stepping out with no more than a small towel to cover his well-hung and somehow still erect dick, the two minor cheerleaders walk in on him as they are ditzy and confused as to which is the proper locker room. There is a flimsy pretext for sex and they have a threesome while singing Three Steps to Heaven by Eddie Cochran. Also, Mohawk and Main Cheerleader realize that they’re about the only two characters who haven’t gotten naked yet so they also have sex in some other part of the school. Asian girl realizes that her sole defining characteristic and purpose in life is being Asian and commits suicide. Paraplegic finally climaxes.

I know that this chapter is a little on the short side, but I’m actually sick with myself right now and must stop, so somehow you’ll just have to go on without more graphic descriptions of teens having sex.

Bonus points to whoever can correctly name all of the characters in this show.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Japanese Children's Show Segment

Well over a year ago, I made a post about the strangest children’s TV shows I could find and in that list I included a link to a scene from a Japanese show where toddlers approximate dancing either by flopping about on the ground like turtles on their back or by standing perfectly still. Given that the results are obviously a complete catastrophe, I figured that this sketch was just a one time thing that was done mostly as a joke for the parents. Apparently I was wrong and this is actually a regularly occurring segment that they probably put into every single episode. This is the conversation that I imagine occurred between two producers after the first episode to explain why this is:

Producer 1: Well that was a total disaster and embarrassing for everyone involved. I guess we’ll need to replace it with something new. Any suggestions?

Producer 2: Tentacle rape.

Producer 1: Why does it always come back to tentacle rape with you? Why do you insist on playing into that ridiculous and offensive stereotype?

Producer 2: Are you telling me you don’t like watching giant squid molest nubile teens?

Producer 1: Goddammit man! This is a kid’s show!

Producer 2: All the more reason to go with it.

Producer 1: Screw it! We’ll stick with the dancing! Anything to make this conversation end!

This conversation also probably explains most Japanese television. Below are some more examples of the segment (including the original) as well as a more in-depth analysis on what is going on.









So the first thing I can’t help but notice is that in spite of the hosts’ enthusiasm, a solid half of the kids will be standing still at any given time. Sometimes they’ll make a feeble attempt at flailing their arms, but mostly they just look helplessly around for some sort of guidance. With both the dog and the older girl showing them how to do the dance, they can’t be possibly be looking for instructions on what to do, so I can only assume that they’re wondering how the hell they got to where they are. When the time comes for everybody to fall and roll around on the ground, again only about half will actually do it and of that half only half will stand back up again. In case you weren’t already convinced that this is a disorganized mess, one of the later moves is to run around literally wherever you want and they still manage to fail at it. At least one will always run off stage, a solid quarter will remain motionless, and half of the half that didn’t fall down earlier will do so now. On occasion, the cameraman will spot a child who actually appears to be doing the action they’re supposed to and will zoom in on them. Always and without fail, that child will stop doing anything right at that moment with a peculiar look on their face. You might call it confusion, and you’d be right, but there’s something more going on there: sheer terror. Trust me when I say I’ve become an expert at reading terror in children’s faces and these kids are pissing/shitting their oversized pants right now, which I’m pretty sure are shaped like that for a reason. Now I don’t know what has them so scared, but whatever it is, it causes all of the above insanity to happen and probably occurs off stage which leads me to believe that this is all a deliberate ploy by the director to make this as hilarious as possible. That one kid who runs off screen earlier isn’t overzealous in his participation; he’s trying to escape, and sees that momentary confusion as his best chance. Some seek protection from the dog mascot as there’s always two or three or group around and try to touch him. I tip my hat to the actor inside that suit who manages to keep dancing without knocking any of them over.

Sadly, I couldn’t find the proper clip anymore, but there’s one I stumbled upon earlier that featured a girl who actually seemed to know all the moves in the proper order. She’s like the Sasquatch of the show in that it’s almost impossible to believe she exists and you’ll just have to take a third party’s word for it. However, she started performing all of the moves a solid five seconds before she’s supposed to. You may say she’s just over-eager, but I like to think that she simply understands better than anybody what makes this segment so great and so special in the first place: nothing happens as it’s supposed to. So sure she could do everything perfectly, but that would just ruin it. By just doing the right move five seconds early, she makes the whole show just that much more amazing. I also now realize that the older girl and the dog aren’t there for the benefit of the children, but for us so we know what the dance is supposed to look like and can thus fully appreciate the hilarity of the failure that surrounds them.

In closing, I apologize for getting this song stuck in your head.

Bonus points to anyone who can find the girl that knows what she’s doing.