Friday, May 20, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
On a related note, Kerry is apparently the only person in the whole club with the BTTF trilogy on DVD, but he will be late on Friday. He’s invited us to come down to the grand opening of Gamedeals (a new video game store) in Gastown this Friday (the 20th) so we can meet him and pick up the DVDs ahead of time. Sounds like it will be fun, so if you’re not busy head on down and check it out/say hi to Kerry and anyone else who happens to be there.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Earlier, you’ve heard me rant about the ridiculous things that happen in old episodes of Superfriends, but this isn’t even ridiculous. It’s just sad. They take freakin’ Magneto and turn him into a stoned, insecure old man. Everything he says and does is a complete and utter embarrassment to all that is Magneto, and that’s not saying anything about that fruity gondola he’s driving around in. I know that this cartoon is over 40 years old, but I think it’s important for people to know exactly why this is so wrong. Looking at that last sentence I realize I should reconsider my priorities in life.
So we start off with Magneto pulling into a gas station to ask for directions since apparently the world’s greatest supervillain doesn’t know the location of his intended target. But that’s not even the most ridiculous thing right now. In fact I didn’t even question this implausible scenario at first because I was so distracted by the sight of his retarded car. It looks like a party snow taxi that exclusively services gay men. Rather than striking fear into the hearts of me it just causes them to stare incredulously because they can’t even believe it’s real. And that’s a pretty generous reaction given that most would probably just point and laugh.
At this point he begins to ramble on incoherently about how awesome his car is and how boss it makes him spouting such nonsense as “fuel is for lesser men,” because truly the mark of a great man is his lack of a need for gas. By those standards, hipsters who bike everywhere are the best of us. In case it wasn’t already clear that he has a Napoleon complex, he shouts “nobody may dare contradict me!” in the most insane overreaction in the history of cartoon villainy, apparently with the vain hope that saying it loudly will make it come true. He then proceeds to knock over nearby metallic objects in a mildly startling display of power before toddling off in the California Raisin’s party bus. Before it cuts to the next scene, Magneto starts referring to himself in the third person as he predicts that the Fantastic Four will tremble before “the menace of Magneto,” in what can only be seen as a desperate attempt to reassure himself that he is still threatening, and not some crotchety old man on an ill-conceived joyride.
In the next scene, Magneto is nearing the F4 HQ and the narrator has the balls to refer to his minivan on sled tracks as “the amazing vehicle” without a hint of irony. Magneto has temporarily forgotten that his vehicle can fly and is stuck in traffic. People start giving him strange looks which reminds him that he doesn’t have to take any of this shit. He’s big, strong boy who can make his own decisions like a motherfucking adult no matter what daddy says! MAGNETO IS A LAW UNTO HIMSELF! On a side note, considering that super-powered beings are running around, tearing shit up willy-nilly, regular people in this universe are stunningly ignorant of their existence. That is some government cover-up.
The scene finishes with Magneto finally arriving at the Baxter Building and parking in a *gasp* no parking zone! That’s the villainous act of the century! Truly he is the greatest criminal mastermind in existence! What will he do next? Petty vandalism? Oh shit! The very sight of that no parking sign offends him! Yeah, you throw that dirty sign to the ground Magneto. It totally had it coming what with it being present and all. But seriously, Magneto has the ability to tear the Earth in half if he wants to, and this is the best he can muster? It’s an absolute disgrace. I don’t know how the Fantastic Four dealt with him and I don’t even care. They probably just called the senior’s home and told them one of their patients escaped and wandered into a Value Village before knocking at their door in a state of confusion. Whatever the case, I’m sure it was embarrassing for everyone involved.
Bonus points to whoever can come up with an even worse adaptation of a great character.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
For the next BGC party, we're planning on watching a movie trilogy. What trilogy that will be is currently undecided and now you get to voice your opinion. The current options are:
Lord of the Rings
Original Star Wars Trilogy
Back to the Future
The Man with no Name Trilogy (those Clint Eastwood westerns like The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly)
If you have any other suggestions, I am open. The day is tentatively set to next Saturday, May 21st at my house. This might change depending on if people can't make it that day/don't feel like driving out to Maple Ridge.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
The first time Krieger opens his mouth, it immediately becomes apparent that he is anything but normal. The magic of his first sentences cannot be conveyed with mere text, so here’s a clip of the venerable scene.
Krieger seems to have many perversions, and one of the first that we learn about is his obsession with hobos, a fact which he doesn’t even attempt to hide and references on numerous occasions. Here are two of my favourite quotes relating to the subject:
Archer: Jesus Krieger, are you still taping bum fights?
Krieger: No, now I’m into something... darker.
Krieger: Or else I’ll crank up the heat again!
Carol: I love that you know how to do that.
Krieger: And I love how I have an erection that didn’t involve homeless people.
As a follow-up to Fister Roboto, Krieger invents Chokebot in an attempt to satisfy Carol’s (his then girlfriend) asphyxiation fetish. Because that isn’t already disturbing enough, here’s a visual:
Perhaps Krieger’s most profound romantic relationship is with a virtual girlfriend he created. She is a hologram of a stereotypical anime chick so sophisticated and self-aware, that he is legally allowed to marry it/her. Sadly, their wedding never comes to pass because people/society don’t understand their love.
Krieger doesn’t just do work with computers and robotics. He is also accomplished in the field of genetics as he has attempted to make clones of himself (it is hinted that he himself is a clone of Hitler) and created hybrid monstrosities such as Pigly and Goatly. If you can’t already guess how those latter experiments went, here’s a clip:
Despite his bizarre experiments, at times Krieger displays a degree of professional competence. What you’re about to see is not one of those times. Instead you see him make a clumsy mistake, witness his LSD breath-strips in action (guess why he invented those), and also learn a surprising fact about Doctor Krieger.
In case you’re wondering how the surgery went, here’s a little taste:
In one episode, the crew is tasked with wading through boxes full of paperwork. Instead of contributing, Krieger fashions a box fort, stands inside of it for the entire episode, and snorts MSG while making inappropriate remarks. He accurately titled his construction, Fort Kick-ass.
I'm sorry, are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in Fort Kick-ass.
In his tenure at ISIS, Krieger has invented many amazing and sophisticated machines, but the accomplishment of which he is the proudest is his bitchin’/creepy van. I’ll let you be the judge about what this says of his character.
All aboard the Date Rape Express! Toot! Toot!
I think Archer summarizes my feelings best in the second episode where we first meet Krieger when he tells the doctor, “you are my Oprah.”