Ready Player One Book Review

I recently finished reading Ernest Cline’s Ready Player One, and despite being a light read (I finished it in less than a week), I have a lot of thoughts on it. This review isn’t so much a commentary on the quality of the novel so much as an analysis of some of the ideas presented in the novel and where I feel those ideas fall short. I fear this review will make it seem as though I have an overwhelmingly negative opinion on the book so let me just say off the top that it was a thoroughly enjoyable read despite several issues and I’d recommend it to just about any geek out there. With that out of the way let’s dive into it.

Ready Player One is a YA novel set in a near-future sci-fi dystopia (around the year 2044). An energy crisis combined with severe climate change has set off a domino effect of catastrophes that have pushed humanity to the brink of collapse. The daily lives of most people on the planet is one of constant drudgery and suffering with only a select few of the wealthiest citizens enjoying a decent standard of living. To escape this miserable existence the majority of humanity plugs into a hyper-realistic, massive virtual world called the OASIS. It originally began as a VR MMO videogame, but it evolved overtime to encompass almost everything. In the OASIS you can play any game, watch any movie, listen to any song, shop, socialize, exercise (with the right peripherals), travel to distant or fictional locales, or even go to school. A person can spend the vast majority of their time in the OASIS, only needing to unplug to eat and sleep.

The story begins when the lead architect of this world, James Halliday, dies without heir so he creates a maddening scavenger hunt within the OASIS. Whoever completes it first will inherit his vast wealth and control of the OASIS. Needless to say, many people the world over get caught up in the hunt including our hero, Wade Watts (known online as Parzival), a sad, lonely, geeky teenager living in poverty. While most of his competitors are individuals like him (including his only friend, Aech, and his eventual love interest, Art3mis), the real threat comes from an evil multinational corporation called IOI; an ISP and media company with vast resources and no ethics. IOI employs an army of people to win the contest in their name so they can take control of the OASIS and milk it for every penny, turning it into a world that only the wealthy can enjoy much like the real one. So Wade and friends must solve the clues, complete the challenges, and reach the end before IOI does or they’ll lose the only thing they have left that brings them joy.

With that summary out of the way, lets get into the meat of it. Overall, I’d say Cline has laid the groundwork for a very cool (albeit depressing) world. The OASIS is especially appealing to the gamer in me, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to see something like it brought to fruition in reality. Of greater interest perhaps, is the near-future dystopic setting which allows Cline to draw on the issues of today and predict where they might lead us in the future. Economic inequality, corporate monopolies, environmental collapse, and the rise of the celebrity politician are already taking us down a very dark path. Its not difficult to see how these problems could lead us into a world not unlike the one presented in the novel. However, Cline doesn’t dwell on these ideas for too long, sometimes only mentioning them in passing. The only contemporary issue to take center stage, and indeed the only social issue nerds seem to get passionate about, is net neutrality (more on that later). Otherwise, Cline seems more or less content to let these themes fall by the wayside or just sit in the background after he’s done explaining them.

This segues into my next point, and perhaps the biggest technical issue I have with Ready Player One: endless exposition. Evidently Cline never got the memo on showing versus telling because he devotes a maddening amount of space to explaining his world and all the nitty-gritty elements within it. Now, to be fair, some exposition is absolutely necessary in any story, and that’s especially true when building a fantasy or science-fiction universe, but at some point you have to let that universe breathe. You don’t need to explain every little quirk of the OASIS or provide a Wikipedia article on every notable person or event mentioned. Just lay the groundwork, let the characters explore the world, allow the story to unfold naturally, and believe in the reader’s ability to fill in the blanks.

Of course the question of “the reader” presents another problem that compounds the issue of over-exposition since this book is simultaneously directed at two audiences. Cline uses a framing device to tell his story. Ostensibly, Ready Player One was written by Wade after the events depicted in it have already occurred as his attempt to “set the record straight” so to speak. As such, he goes into great detail explaining cultural references from our era for the benefit of his fictional audience, information that the actual readers are already familiar with. Conversely, much space needs to be devoted to explaining things from the future era unfamiliar to us, information that the fictional audience presumably already knows. This all adds to up to a lot of unnecessary exposition and a rather bizarre read at times as the book jumps between audiences.

All this exposition comes at the expense of themes, characters, and story. For instance, at one point Wade has a big falling out with his best friend, Aech. In most works this would be a major turning point and would serve as an emotional climax for the protagonist. In Ready Player One,  its only brought up in passing well after the fact as a sort of minor inconvenience for Wade now that he can’t bounce ideas off of him anymore. At another point, Wade goes on an adventure with two Japanese competitors, Daito and Shoto, wherein they fight giant monsters from Ultraman. This would be the perfect opportunity to both have a fun action sequence, and explore Daito and Shoto’s character who otherwise barely rise above stereotypes. Instead what we get is a complete rundown on the specs of Wade’s VR setup. That sort of information only has appeal to a limited group of tech enthusiasts. Granted, they probably make up a sizable portion of the book’s audience, and indeed in many ways this book is geared towards such futurists as I shall now outline.

On the surface this book seems to be about a group of scrappy nerds taking on a giant conglomerate for the future of the OASIS (which is essentially the Internet), but if you look a bit deeper you’ll see a third party at play. The OASIS doesn’t exist on its own, it was created by a tech/gaming company called GSS which was founded by Halliday and his best friend, Ogden Morrow. The duo are compared to Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs respectively, and both are presented as being champions of privacy and consumer rights. Their motives are benign or even humanist, and this is where I feel this book starts to date itself, moreso than with any pop culture reference.

Ready Player One was published in 2011, and its clear to me that Cline very much subscribes to the view popular at the time that silicon valley companies like Google, Amazon, and Apple were the shining beacon on the hill that would redeem humanity and usher in a new era of enlightenment. Now we know that is not the case, and this idea strikes me as quaint. Their corporate practices are just as shady as any other, if not worse in some cases (especially when it comes to privacy), and its debatable whether the effect they have on human psychology or society is beneficial. In the context of the book, GSS isn’t just one of these companies. Its all of them all rolled into one: Apple, Facebook, Valve, Amazon, Blizzard, Netflix, Google, and then some. The idea that GSS created a virtual world that is used by almost everyone, is practically free for the average user, guarantees complete anonymity and privacy, and even provides a free education for those who want it to boot just seems far too good to be true.

Still, GSS, in the form of Morrow, takes the side of Wade and friends in the battle against IOI which seems to perfectly mirror the net neutrality debate raging today wherein Comcast, TimeWarner, and friends are pitted against the aforementioned tech giants and an army of internet users. In this case, the position of the tech giants is in line with consumer interests, but its foolish to believe they’re doing it because they care about us. For both Comcast and Netflix it all comes down to money. Some tech companies might care about protecting users and their privacy, but they seem to be the exception rather than the norm.

There is also a dark side to the anonymity many of these web companies provide which has come to the fore in the wake of Trump’s election. It has become abundantly clear that the Internet has many dark corners and the people who hide in them are hardly harmless. If we’ve learned anything from Twitter, Reddit, and 4Chan in the past couple years its that a lot of these people are geeks and gamers, the very same people we’re supposed to take for heroes in Ready Play One. To be fair, Cline does introduce some trolls, but they’re presented as mere greifers, a minor nuisance more than anything. If he were to write this book today post-gamergate, I feel he’d have to address these issues in a more substantial way. Questions like,” Where do the Nazis live in the OASIS?” would need to be answered.

Cline’s naïve attitude about how beneficial the Internet is to society can be seen most blatantly with the reveal that Aech is in fact a black woman, and not a white man as Wade had thought. Aech gives a long speech about what a boon the OASIS had been to people of color, allowing them more opportunities thanks to the anonymity it provides. Its genuinely presented as a solution to racism, but hopefully I don’t have to explain how it fundamentally is not. At best it just puts a mask on the problem. Wouldn’t it be great if we could all just be white dudes all the time? That would solve everything!

Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of Cline’s ode to gamers is Wade’s treatment of Art3mis. He develops a crush on her before they even meet just by reading her blog. After they do finally meet (in the OASIS, not in person), his fixation with her morphs into an obsession. He pursues her relentlessly even after she severs all communication with him. Eventually, he manages to learn where she lives and what she looks like in reality (though to be fair, he does this mostly inadvertently) which is understandably quite upsetting to her. Its all very disturbing to say the least, and you don’t need to read the cover to know that a man wrote this book. It bears mentioning that Wade is aware of how creepy his behaviour is to some degree, but in the end he’s vindicated when she reciprocates his feelings. There appears to a shocking lack of awareness of what its like to be a women in society, nevermind on the Internet. There isn’t a doubt in my mind, that Art3mis contends with an unending stream of dick pics, rape threats, sexist jokes, and online stalkers on a daily basis. What makes Wade any different from the rest of them?

The world of Ready Player One has a lot of potential and its not surprising that Cline is working on a sequel (creatively titled Ready Player Two). I have high hopes for this next novel and that Cline will take the lessons of the past couple years to heart. The biggest obstacle he needs to overcome is his greater interest in the world he’s created over the characters and stories that inhabit it. I think a great start would be to make Art3mis the central character in the sequel as she is the one most interested in saving the world, and perhaps has a far greater understanding of the dangers of the OASIS than Wade ever possibly could. There are some heady ideas at play in Ready Player One, and Cline has the opportunity to address some of the biggest problems of our time in a fun and interesting way if he’d only take the leap.

Love.com Review and Analysis

Recently I sat down to watch something on Netflix and stumbled across a strange movie I’d never heard of called Love.com. I soon learned the reason why I’d never heard of it was because it’s from Brazil. The basic premise of the film is that a fashion vlogger and a video game vlogger fall in love. It’s your classic opposites attract rom-com story and mostly follows the same basic structure of guy gets girl, guy loses girl, guy gets girl back with a few superficial differences.

Now at this point some of you are probably asking why the hell I watched some rote Brazilian romantic comedy, and there are many possible answers. Perhaps I was looking for the Netflix series, Love, and watched this by mistake. Maybe the idea of a geek getting together with a beautiful woman held a perverse appeal for me. Or it could be that I’m secretly a sucker for a cheesy love story. But the reason I’m going with is that I have an anthropological interest in how other cultures approach genre fiction in the Information Era. Yep, that’s definitely the reason. As a result this will be less of a review and more of an analysis of different thematic elements in the film and how it plays with the various tropes and trappings of the genre.

Cheek Kissing

Characters in this movie always kiss each other on both cheeks when greeting one another. I know this has nothing to do with anything, but for some reason I always thought this practice was exclusive to European countries that speak romance languages. I have no clue why I didn’t think that they’d import it with them upon colonization, but there you go. It was a real eye-opener for me.

Geek Culture

Like most American writers, it turns out that Brazilian writers also don’t seem to know what geek culture actually is or how nerds interact with one another. The male lead exhibits all the common tropes: he lives with his mom, his bedroom is filled with comic books and action figures from floor to ceiling, he loses his goddamn mind over video games (thanks for that new stereotype, Pewdiepie), and of course he’s naturally a l33t hacker. Oh yeah, you better believe this movie has a hacking sequence and its as dumb as anything you see on CSI. I’m not even going to bother with the details of it.

Perhaps the best example of how this movie doesn’t get it is a scene where the male lead (Fernando) and his friends go to a cosplay party along with the female lead (Katrina) and her sister. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, that’s when a bunch of geeks go to a nightclub dressed as characters from movies, comic books, TV, or video games. I’ll admit, I’d never heard of this practice, probably because I’ve never really cosplayed, but it seems like something that we’d do. I’m guessing the writers are in the same boat I’m in, but with even less of a clue of what might actually happen at such an event. Fernando and company go in dressed as… I honestly have no idea. They wear brown robes and random masks and don’t look like anything. The patrons without speaking lines dress as recognizable characters, but nobody else does. All the food and beverages have geek themed names, which I’ll be honest is a thing that absolutely would happen. There’s music and people swaying around awkwardly because nerds don’t dance obviously, I guess. Since dancing isn’t a thing, the main form of entertainment at this “party” seems to be a stage where people impotently wave lightsabers at one another. That sure is…something… that nobody over the age of ten would consider a fun way to spend the night. Then Katrina shows up dressed as what the movie assure us is a zombie, Fernando admits that he’s turned on by it, and then they laugh and make out. So I guess that makes him a necrophiliac and she’s totally on board on with it. Nerds, amirite!

The only thing the movie comes close to getting right, though I feel this was mostly accidental, is how geeks tend to handle romance in a decidedly childish ways. That being said, I have plenty of geeky friends who are perfectly capable of dealing with relation-ships in an adult manner. Then I go online and lose much faith in my kind, and I see these attitudes reflected in Fernando. He makes no attempt to cross the bridge into Katrina’s world despite her repeated attempts to cross into his (as seen above). He also doesn’t seem to respect what she does for a living and views her as a frivolous and vain woman. He also does a number of other immature things that I’ll get into later, but suffice to say he’s not the most understanding character. Whether he was written like this in an attempt to be realistic, or just to move the plot along I’m not entirely certain.

Girl Gets Guy

By now you can probably gather that Katrina is the star of this show, and indeed she’s the one who moves the story forward. As the sub-header suggests, this is the first and arguably most important inversion of the classic formula. She is the one who chases after Fernando, kisses him, initiates a romantic relationship, and is the driving force behind it. She is the active agent in this movie and that’s reflected  in her characterization. While Fernando is in many ways portrayed as a stereotypical nerd, Katrina’s fashionista is significantly more nuanced which I found to be quite refreshing since most Hollywood films tend to go the easy route. She is not presented as being frivolous, vain, or loose, but is instead shown to be kind, smart, charismatic, and open-minded.  Her focus on self-image is motivated by ambition not narcissism; she’s using her vlog as a ladder to climb into the fashion industry and fulfill her dream of becoming a designer. Thus far she seems to have been quite successful at it having racked up multiple sponsors, a devoted following, and a swanky pad. Fernando’s life is dismal in comparison even if he is happy with it. So what on Earth does Katrina see in him? As we shall soon learn, even the movie seems to have trouble answering this question.

Relationship Montage

After they hook up for the first time we are treated to a classic “the relationship progresses” montage. While most movies do this by showing them going out on dates, cracking jokes, moving in together, meeting friends and family, or having sexual misadventures (ostensibly with the purpose of demonstrating the chemistry between the leads), Love.com takes a different route. Instead we see Fernando and Katrina laughing about nothing before making out. This is then repeated approximately five to ten times in slightly different settings. I have thought of two possible reasons for this: 1. This is how healthy, normal relationships are commonly portrayed in Brazilian culture. 2. The filmmakers had no clue what a relationship between two such polar opposites would actually look like and so resorted to just having them suck face for a few minutes. I’ll let you decide which one you think it is.

Guy Loses Girl

I’ll admit, I may have been a little too hard on Fernando up until now. By no means is he a bad guy. He’s generally rather sweet, is clearly intelligent, and is quite handsome for a geek. However, that does not excuse him from the general disdain he holds for Katrina’s lifestyle, a disdain which precipitates the inevitable breakup where the film adheres most strongly to the rom-com formula.

The inciting incident is when Fernando takes a picture of her without permission while she is sleeping and posts it online. It should be noted that Katrina broke up with her previous boyfriend for pretty much the exact same reason, and Fernando is well aware of this. Plus, does he really need to be told that its creepy to do that? Katrina is obviously incensed, partly because she makes her living off of looking her best and nobody looks their best in the morning before they wake up, and partly because she loses a sponsorship deal as a result of a rival product being visible in the picture. Fernando counters that such petty concerns as her career don’t really matter leading to an explosive argument that begets more creepy behaviour on Fernando’s part, begetting more arguments, and finally the split.

Now I suppose the movie is trying to make the point that Katrina is fixated on her career and online image at the expense of her real life relationships (her only confidante appears to be her sister), but its hard to see her as anything other than the offended party in this situation. For all her strengths, perhaps Katrina’s flaws could have used a little more attention in the same way that the reverse is true for Fernando.

Girl Inexplicably Takes Guy Back

With the split out of the way, the movie now needs to find an excuse to bring them back together, and this is where the film’s inability to justify their romance comes to the fore. While I am very much invested in Katrina and to a lesser degree invested in Fernando, I just don’t care all that much about their relationship. There just doesn’t seem to be any real chemistry between their characters. The only reason we’re given for Katrina’s affection towards Fernando is that he helped her out one time by hacking away those compromising pictures (maybe he has a good penis?). He seems to love her simply because she’s hot. Its just not enough for me to care if they get back together, and the haphazard and sudden way they do pull it off doesn’t help matters much.

In brief, Katrina coincidentally overhears a conversation between people she’d been hoping to work with, learning that the recent advancements she thought she’d made in her career were illusory. For some reason this prompts her to make an “inspirational” video about being yourself. Fernando sees this and for some reason this inspires him to work harder at his vlogging career to win her back. He has some success with his career, but not so much in his attempts to contact her. He sends her a video that presumably expresses his feelings, but she ignores it. Luckily it just so happens that his friend and Katrina’s sister have randomly been set up on a blind date and the leads are both roped into coming in case it goes south. They unexpectedly and awkwardly meet with Fernando stating that he feels the video was made for him. Katrina replies that it wasn’t (no shit) and its made clear that although she is heartbroken she has made the decision to move on, and to that effect is going to Milan to study for a few years. She leaves, but then decides to watch his video which proves to be what I presumed. This somehow succeeds in winning her over, he runs up and asks to go to Milan with her, they kiss, the credits roll.

The point of this not at all brief summary is to demonstrate how random and forced their reunion is, although to be fair this is far from the only rom-com to take this route. The main difference is that I can’t suspend my disbelief to conclude that these characters would or should get back together based on what’s been presented. Nothing about it feels natural to me. Perhaps this is simply because of my misunderstanding of Brazilian culture, but it may also be rooted in the movie’s use of technology and social media to bring the lovers together. The video Fernando sends to Katrina is Love.com’s equivalent of the Grand Gesture of Reconciliation seen in many other rom-coms, updated for the 21^st century. Perhaps I’m just old, but this gesture seems to fall short and comes off as lame and uninspired. Why should this video change Katrina’s mind and cause her to re-evaluate their affair? In the end this Beauty and the Geek fantasy appears to be just that.

Wait, You Forgot the Comedy

You may have noticed that this analysis has focused almost exclusively on the romantic half of the romantic-comedy genre, but have no fear, I haven’t forgotten the comedy half, although I can’t say the same for this movie. To be fair, comedy is notoriously difficult to translate so I’ll give Love.com some benefit of the doubt and assume most of the jokes went over my head. The only character with any funny lines that I could glean is Fernando’s friend, Panda, who you can tell exists for comic relief because his name is fucking Panda. Oddly enough, Fernando also has a friend who’s an aspiring stand-up comic, but who never gets to tell any jokes insofar as I can tell.

Situational comedy has an easier time crossing the language barrier as anyone can feel the pain and awkwardness of having your mom walk in on you as you’re about to get it on, and this movie mines that particular comedy gold on two separate occasions. I can only assume that this is an all too common occurrence in Brazil. I will admit, that the first time it happens and the mom hurriedly leaves then re-enters to introduce herself was the funniest moment in the movie. Otherwise, there’s a mildly amusing scene where Katrina barges into a men’s locker room to confront her soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend over the aforementioned photos, but that’s about it for humour. This film was much more concerned with the first half of the “romantic comedy”, which can perhaps be traced back to the popularity of the telenovela which tend to be light on (intentional) laughs.

Final Thoughts

As you can probably gather, by no means do I consider this film to be good, but its not terrible either. Its kind of fun in its own guilty pleasure sort of way, and the female lead is stronger than average for the genre. My enjoyment was primarily hampered by a general lack of understanding of geekdom, though Hollywood is just as if not more culpable of the same crime. Coincidentally (or maybe not), the movie romance is mirrored in the real life relationship of Felix Kjellberg (aka Pewdiepie, a video game vlogger) and his girlfriend, Marzia Bisognin (a fashion vlogger).

Pokemon Go Review

So Pokemon Go has been out for a few weeks now (depending on where you live or if you’re willing to download the apk), and although I’m far from the reaching max level I think I’ve played around with it enough to be able to review the game as it currently stands, warts and all, and there are quite a few warts despite its enormous popularity, but let’s get into what it does right first.

Exploration:

One of the most successful aspects of Pokemon Go is how it encourages people to go outside, explore their communities, and get some exercise and it does so in several synergetic ways: going into new areas yields different Pokemon than you might find in your home neighbourhood, the nearby list encourages you to travel to find them, you’ll most likely need to leave your house to take gyms and hit up Pokestops, eggs hatch based on how far you walk or bike, and you get more Pokemon from the Incense item while moving as opposed to standing still. All of these systems synergize well together to get people out and about, and help make things exciting.

Community:

Since so many people own this game and are hunting outside, they’re bound to run into each other as they track down the same elusive Pokemon. Such encounters lead to people talking, swapping stories of their successes and failures (goddamn you Lapras!), and working together to either take gyms, find Pokemon faster, or to set down a Lure Mod at a Pokestop so the Pokemon will come to you (which also has the effect of attracting more people). So far all my encounters have been positive despite the animosity between the three teams.

Candy and Dust:

The system they have in place for evolving and powering up your roster is quite clever in my opinion and encourages people to go out and catch just about any Pokemon even if its one they already have. Each branch of Pokemon has their specific type of candy and you need X candy to evolve a lower tier Pokemon into the next tier. Each Pokemon caught awards 3 candy for their respective branch and you can trade them in for an additional candy (with bonus candy coming from eggs). Because you generally need lots of candy to reach a Pokemon’s final tier, this keeps you going out and hunting them down. Dust meanwhile is used in combination with a small amount of candy to increase a Pokemon’s CP, making it more powerful. Dust is a common resource to all Pokemon so you need to use it wisely and only upgrade your best or favourite fighter. Overall it’s a simple and easy to understand mechanic which adds a surprising level of depth, replayability, and decision-making to the game.

Fun:

Quite simply, its fun walking around hunting Pokemon even if you’re by yourself. Nothing beats the feeling of catching a rare and/or powerful Pokemon out in the wild so you can brag to your friends and fill out that Pokedex. I’d argue that this is the most successful aspect of the game, and the desire to catch ‘em all is what keeps many people playing despite many other issues that we’ll get into now.

Server Issues:

I think this has to be the number one issue for most players. Although connection problems were expected at launch what with the millions of people downloading and attempting to play it all at once, the fact these problems continue to persist weeks later, and are at times even worse, is a tad worrying. From a failure to load up gyms and Pokestops to straight up server crashes the problems just never seem to end. The most obnoxious of all is when the Pokeball freezes after you’ve thrown it at a Pokemon requiring you to reboot the game in order to learn if you actually caught the damned thing, or more likely that it timed out. This is especially annoying when it happens with a Pokemon you don’t have (damn you Charmander!). Although I think my worst experience with server issues has to be when the servers went down 5 minutes after I popped both a Lucky Egg and an Incense.

GPS:

In addition to an internet connection, the game obviously requires your location in the real world in order to know when Pokemon spawn near you. I suppose depending on your phone, and perhaps where you live, the GPS can be flaky sometimes, however this can also be beneficial. While it might refuse to move you to where you actually are thereby causing you to miss out on a Pokemon, Gym, or Pokestop, in my case it often moved me closer to these spots without me actually have to move at all. What’s more it often thinks I’m walking when I am, in fact, sitting down, allowing me to hatch eggs without moving. It may be ugly, but I’m not complaining.

Nearby List:

The nearby list is indispensible for tracking down Pokemon, which is why its so frustrating that for the past week or so, all Pokemon are displayed as being three steps away no matter how close they actually are. This essentially means I need to rely on either blind luck or previous knowledge of spawn locations in order to find them. The whole exploration element has kinda been shot to shit as a result with most players sticking to the small areas around their homes or workplaces rather than wandering aimlessly afield in the vain hope of finding something. A small note I’d also like to add, when the list is working why is the order of nearby Pokemon reversed on the mini-display in the corner compared to the larger list when you tap on it? It makes no sense.

Gyms:

Although going around taking gyms with friends can be fun, and the reward of dust and coins to spend in the shop is nice, I can’t help but feel that it’s a bit repetitive and borderline pointless. Battles are reduced to tapping furiously on the screen and praying that you dodge properly. But even if you don’t it doesn’t matter as gyms are won with overwhelming numbers, not skill. This makes them easy for just about anyone to capture which is more of a curse than a blessing in my opinion as that just means that all the work you put in to taking a gym will likely be undone within an hour at most. Furthermore, more advanced players have quickly figured out which Pokemon are objectively the best which I feel will soon culminate in bland metagame of endless Vaporeons who are inexplicably powerful (even compared to the other Eevee evolutions, or Pokemon they are supposedly “weak” against). I think we’ll see two types of Pokemon Go players; casuals who just wanna “catch ‘em all” (ie fill out the Pokedex), and the hardcore who wanna “be the very best” (ie take and fruitlessly try to hold gyms). Unless you go out with a group of like 20 people and power up a gym hard, or you and two other friends hit up a set path of gyms as fast as you can, I feel this aspect of the game is mostly pointless. For what its worth in time and gas you might as well just buy the coins.

Leveling:

Early on leveling is pretty breezy as the thresholds are lower and any Pokemon you catch are likely to be new, netting you plenty of bonus experience, but as you get higher up and the amount you need increases while the amount you get decreases if anything, leveling gets as grindy as any MMO. You basically just need to catch endless amounts of Pidgeys and Weedles so you can evolve them and throw them out. Their only value is the candy they give which ironically makes Pidgeottos and Kakunas worse to find as they give the same amount of candy but are harder to catch. A popular method to acquiring them is to camp out at a spot with two or more Pokestops to throw down Lure Mods at and just sit there catching the countless Weedles and Pidgeys that spawn. On that note, for all the hype they generate, Lure Mods mostly just attract trash making them far more passive and boring than just going out and actually finding Pokemon.

Urban Bias:

Players quickly discovered that Pokenmon Go favours large cities as opposed to rural areas in just about every conceivable way. Urban locales have far more Gyms and Pokestops in far greater concentrations, and what’s more the game determines the quality and rarity of Pokemon that spawn based essentially on population. This means that city-dwellers get better Pokemon simply because of where they live. Many don’t even have to leave their homes or workplaces to hit up Pokestops, hold Gyms, and capture Pokemon that might require someone who lives in a small town to drive for miles. I live in a suburban area so I don’t have it too bad, but nowhere near as good as people who live even a half hour drive away in a more densely populated environment. I can’t even imagine how tough it must be for players who live in farming communities or mountain towns. My heart goes out to them, and I hope Niantic gives them some love soon.

Game Communication:

The game could do a much better job about teaching you certain core aspects. Like how you want to throw the Pokeball when the coloured circle is smaller not larger. Though I’m still not certain if a Nice Throw is better than a throw when the circle is small but where you don’t get a bonus. And what is a curveball exactly? I’ve seen videos describing them, but I’ve thrown curveballs without doing anything shown in the videos. Or how about how Incense spawns more Pokemon when you’re moving as opposed to standing still. That would have been useful to know before I popped those two Incenses I started with. Also, it would be nice to have more info on how gyms work. Like how to time dodges, or use your secondary attack, or that you need to tap the screen repeatedly to attack. Pretty basic stuff. Oh, and also how you collect rewards for controlling gyms. Did you know that there’s a small button in the shop which you can click to get those rewards? And that the number in the button indicates how many gyms you can collect from up to a maximum of 10? And that you get 500 dust and 10 coins multiplied by that number? And that when you click it there’s no confirmation message, so don’t tap it unless you’re sure? All of this would be good to know. And what about the variations between Pokemon? What does XS mean versus XL? What are the differences between all of the abilities and how does CP relate to what I assume is the damage number next to each ability? All of these questions and more the game deigns not worthy of answering. You’ll need to go online to find out by looking at the forums, and not by asking Niantic. They don’t say shit. Which conveniently brings me to my final point.

Dev Communication:

Niantic really needs to hire a community relations manager, because right now all they have are some sporadic tweets that fail epically to address the needs and concerns of the playerbase. When will the server issues or the three-step glitch be fixed? Will they make Gyms more interesting or address the Vaporeon endgame? Will Lure Mods become more worthwhile? Will the game ever be playable for rural users? And what about the features that were promised? When will we see trading, PvP outside of gyms (which barely qualifies as PvP since nobody actually controls the defending Pokemon), or those crazy events featured in the trailer? Hell, I’d like to see smaller scale random events just to keep things interesting and maybe provide another much needed source of experience. Is there a way to give them this suggestion? Do they even listen? Who knows! They certainly don’t talk to us.

Final Thoughts:

Despite all of its problems I feel Pokemon Go is successful where it really counts. The core systems are solid overall even if they don’t work half the time, and it should satisfy most Pokemon fans. I think there’s a truly great game hiding in here that we’re just going to have to wait to see it, but when that will be I have no idea. As I said, the devs keep their lips shut tight, which has perhaps been the most detrimental aspect of the launch. For now though I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they know what they’re doing, and that I’ll be happy with the end product because this certainly isn’t it.

15 of the Worst Star Trek: TNG Episodes

I think its safe to say that most long-running sci-fi series, no matter how good or revered they may be, feature some pretty abysmal episodes here and there that push the boundaries of disbelief just a bit too far. Sometimes it’s due to terrible costumes, make-up, or special effects. Other times the culprit is bad writing, a ridiculous plot, or poor characterization and acting. Whatever the case may be, rather than generating thought-provoking questions on humanity and our place in the universe like the best sci-fi, all these episodes manage to produce are eye-rolls and facepalms. Here are some of the worst Star Trek: The Next Generation episodes which sadly fit into this category.

S1E3: The Naked Now

TNG barely made it past the pilot episode before producing one of the silliest episodes in its seven season run. Characters we barely even know at this point just start going haywire and behaving in a ridiculous fashion. Overall its an incredibly nonsensical, uncomfortable, and awkward episode that despite all the goofiness also manages to be boring. The only good thing to come from this episode is the now immortal line it has spawned:

Who’s going to rock a hydraulic cock?

Data’s going to rock a hydraulic cock!

S1E5: The Last Outpost

This episode introduces the ferengi who were originally intended to be one of the primary antagonists of the series, but came off as so utterly ridiculous in this episode that they were forever relegated to a comic relief role from here on out. There’s also a chance they may be modeled on anti-Semitic Jewish stereotypes. To give you a taste of just how stupid they are watch this clip (keep in mind this was selected as the best moment from the episode):

S1E8: Justice

Other than being an overly preachy episode about the wrongs of capital punishment, this episode features what may very well be the most absurd costume design in the whole series. I’ll just let these images speak for themselves:

S1E22: Symbiosis

Arguably the most preachy of preachy TNG episodes, this episode is so blatantly anti-drug that I can only assume it was sponsored by Office of National Drug Control Policy. The saddest part is the episode actually begins with an interesting premise before it devolves into this bullshit:

S1E23: Skin of Evil

Tasha Yar was never my favourite character. In fact she may even be my least favourite character. So you’d think that the episode where we finally see the last of her would rank among my favourites, but they manage to botch it entirely. The supposedly deadly threat they face is about as obnoxious and dangerous as a ferengi which makes her death completely absurd, and the final “tearful” goodbye is cringe-inducing. Andrea’s death scene in The Walking Dead might actually be better.

Magic Markers: The deadliest known force in the universe.

S2E2: Where Silence Has Lease

I include this episode for one reason and one reason only, and that’s this creepy ass space god:

NOW, TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS! YES! GOOD!

S2E22: Shades of Gray

The story behind this episode is that there was a writer’s strike going on at the time so to work around this they just slapped together a cheesy clip show loosely held together by some nonsense about Riker having to remember past events in order to combat a virus that feeds on memories or some bullshit like that. There really isn’t anything more to say.

S3E1: Evolution

Wesley Crusher is an annoying, twerpy character who even when he does something wrong is still somehow the perfect golden dream child. This episode best illustrates this principal as Wesley manages to almost destroy the ship, yet still somehow comes off as an all-around swell guy.  He is insufferable.

S3E21: Hollow Pursuits

This episode introduces the recurring character Barclay, the insecure and incompetent engineer. There are probably a fair number of fans who enjoy this character and the episodes that revolve around him, but I personally find him to be intolerable. I normally skip his episodes or stop watching once I realize that I do not enjoy watching him flop about ineffectually for 45 minutes.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm just not a very likable character.

S4E17: Night Terrors

One problem I have with TNG is that the female characters tend to be lame, underdeveloped, poorly written, and generally uninteresting. Consequently, the episodes that focus on them often suffer from the same problems. “Night Terrors” is a good example of this issue as Troi tries to solve the crew’s sleeping problems while dealing with a recurring nightmare of her own that only serves to put the audience to sleep. Here’s the “chilling” climax of the episode featuring Troi at her best:

S5E6: The Game

Wesley returns to the Enterprise on a visit from Starfleet Academy to deliver one of the absolute worst episodes of the series. Everyone on board becomes addicted to what is essentially a glorified game of ball in a cup, but with worse special effects. It’s up to (guess who!) Wesley to save the day along with his girlfriend, Ashley Judd. But not really, because Data (who through some contrived reason is out of commission) is immune to the game’s effects so they just reboot him at the last minute and he saves the day easy as dues ex machina. As an added bonus, this episode was the first to air after Gene Roddenberry’s death, so as if everything else wasn’t enough, this also serves as an insult to his memory.

S5E26/S6E1: Time’s Arrow

Every now and then TNG likes to do a dress-up episode (normally involving the holodeck) where characters will visit another time or place and dress accordingly. Normally they’re a bit goofy, kind of fun, and not meant to be taken all that seriously which is fine. But with “Time’s Arrow” they decided to turn it into a season ending two-part cliffhanger episode that really pushed the limits of what I was willing to accept to an extreme. The point where it went way too far was when fucking Mark Twain came back in time with them. If the entire episode had just been this parody it probably would have been better.

S7E14: Sub Rosa

Remember what I said earlier about female characters? Well now it’s Dr. Crusher’s turn for a lame episode and this time it’s about romancing Scottish ghosts! I’m actually just going to leave it at that, because nothing else really needs to be said.

Yes, that is Dr. Crusher getting sexed up by a green phantasm.

S7E19: Genesis

This is another Barclay episode, which is bad enough on its own, but even if he were absent I think this episode would still suck. In it the crew devolve into lesser life forms in a very creepy, and not always logical fashion (for instance, Barclay becomes a spider despite being human, and a wolf-like Worf attempts to mate with an amphibian Troi). It’s a bizarre episode in every respect. Maybe I just don’t get it. As usual, Data is unaffected and saves the day.

KILL ME!!!

S7E20: Journey’s End

This episode is terrible for two reasons. Firstly, there’s the incredibly preachy story about Native Americans who are being kicked off of the planet they moved to which is about as subtle as an elephant riding an atomic bomb. Being that Indians are involved you know that there’s going to be a spirit quest at some point which is where the second reason this episode sucks comes in: it features Wesley Crusher. Once again he has returned, but this time he is inexplicably a moody little bitch until his spirit quest reveals to him that he is in fact a god. At which point he rides off to explore the universe because fuck Wesley Crusher.

My spirit quest is to maintain our cultural stereotype for centuries to come.

Arrested Development Drinking Game

I made this for a Season 4 marathon party without having seen it prior so although this should work well for the original series run, I'm not sure how applicable this all is to the new episodes on Netflix. I look forward to finding out.

Rules

Everybody chooses one (or more if you wish) character to be for the duration of the game.

Follow the drinking rules listed beneath your chosen character.

Ignore the rules of any unused character.

When a rule tells you to give a drink to a character give the drink to whoever is playing that character. If that character is not in play then do nothing.

Everyone follows the “Family” and “Spotting” rules.

Ignore the “Recurring Characters (RC)” rules unless one is added to your character.

Drinks given can be divided between players unless otherwise specified.

Buster

Greetings: When Buster says “Hey______” give a drink to who he’s greeting.

I’m a Monster: When someone is afraid of Buster’s hook give them a drink and take one.

Do you Have to do that Now?: When Buster is doing something inappropriate just off-screen take a drink for each character irritated by his behavior.

Milford Man: Give out 3 drinks when Buster is neither seen nor heard for a whole episode.

Don’t Mind the Hook: When Buster gives somebody a massage give a drink.

Charlie Browns: When Buster uses some sort of euphemism in place of swearing or mentioning a sexual organ come up with your own euphemism for the same word or take a drink.

Sleepy Baby: When Buster yawns in the middle of a sentence take 3 to fill the gap.

Happy Juice: When Buster craves juice chug a juice box then chase it with a drink.

Baby Buster: When Buster says something to suggest he still thinks of himself as a little boy chug a glass of milk then chase it with a drink.

Bad Genes: When somebody mentions Buster’s hole in his heart or misshapen penis remove a rule from another character to compensate. Give them a drink if they’re also missing a body part.

George Sr.

No touching!: When somebody yells this phrase take a drink if another player touches you.

Signal: When George Sr. howls like a wolf run outside and do your best howl or take a drink.

Sorry, Nellie: When George Sr. treats a puppet/doll like a real person take 3 to cover-up the crazy.

Caged Wisdom: When George Sr. has a religious awakening give a drink to everyone in the room who does not share his new-found faith.

Escape Plan: When George Sr. tries to escape give 2 if he succeeds. Otherwise take 2.

He Likes the Honey: When George Sr. ogles a young woman give a girl in the room a drink.

My Last Lesson: When a one-armed man teaches somebody a lesson teach somebody a lesson by making them drink 3.

Lesson Learned: When somebody leaves a note give a drink to that character.

There’s Always Money in the Banana Stand: When someone or something is found hiding behind a wall take 3 drinks and give 3 drinks for the loss to your family. 

Hey Uncle: When George Sr. wears a wig fool another player by giving them a rule from the RC list.

Gob

Always Upright: Take a drink when Gob rides in on a segway

The Only One Crying: When Gob cries like a little girl remove a rule from another player and make them taste your tears or a drink if they refuse.

Great Escape: Take a drink when Gob swallows a key. Give one when he regurgitates a key.

Lighter Fluid Spill: When Gob screws up a magic trick an illusion drink one with no hands.

What a Whore Does for Money: When Gob corrects somebody for calling his illusions magic tricks give a drink to whoever he corrects.

Sleight of Hand: When Gob tries to steal Michael’s food find and eat whatever it was he took or take a drink.

I fucked ­_________: When Gob brags about having sex with somebody give everyone a round.

That Hand is for Coin Tricks: When Gob punches with his right hand finish your drink. The left hand is for punching.

Cirsumvrent: When Gob can’t form a proper sentence/mispronounces a word recite a tongue twister and take a drink for every word you screw up.

What a Show: When “The Final Countdown” is played drink until it’s over.

George Michael

Afternoon Delight: When George Michael tries to kiss Maeby take one if he fails or give one if he succeeds. Wait, maybe that should be the other way around…

Careless Whisper: When somebody notes that George Michael’s name is shared with the singer finish your drink.

Got Rhythm: When George Michael tries to be a percussionist give 2 if someone takes him seriously. Otherwise take 2.

Honesty: When George Michael is misunderstood by his father give a drink to someone who just doesn’t understand you.

Star Wars Kid: When an embarrassing video of George Michael plays drink for the duration.

I Thought you were Nice: When George Michael makes fun of a family member take 5 drinks.

Made in Japan: When a jetpack is used give out 3 drinks because jet packs are awesome.

Duck: When George Michael avoids something thrown at him give a drink to the thrower.

Egg: When Ann Veal is referred to by another name or simply as “Her?” take a shame drink.

Mr. Manager: When The Banana Stand is destroyed take a rule from another player to help pay for a new one. Give them 4 drinks if you remove one that makes them drink.

Maeby

You Look 13: When Maeby asks someone to marry her do the same with someone in the party and both of you take a drink to celebrate the nuptials.

Negative Attention: When Maeby does something wild to get her parents’ attention do something wild that will astound the party or finish your drink.

Surely you can’t be Serious: When Maeby pulls off a con that people somehow believe play a trick on another player by giving them a rule from the RC list.

Maybe Maeby: When a play on words is used with Maeby’s name give a drink to anyone who doesn’t notice it.

Convenience Factor: When Maeby gets a freebie the next time you would take a drink you give one instead.

To Portugal: When it becomes evident Maeby does not pay attention in school take a drink for future regrets unless you can correct her mistake.

Not Actually Related: When Maeby reciprocates George-Michael’s feelings give a drink to anyone in the party who is disturbed by their relationship and doesn’t want them to get together.

Losing It: When Steve Holt says his own name swoon and take a drink.

Showbiz Part I: When a joke is made at Fox’s expense take 3 drinks for bad memories.

Showbiz Part II: When a joke is made relating to Netflix give 3 drinks for sunny days ahead.

Tobias

You can Zink your Arrow in my Buttocks: When it’s implied Tobias is gay take a drink.

At Least I’m Not the Only One: When it’s implied Barry Zuckerkorn is gay give a drink.

Never-nude: When Tobias walks around in cutoffs give a drink to whoever sees him.

Phrasing: When somebody reads The Man inside Me give 3 in celebration of success.

Missed Call: When Tobias loses out on an acting gig take 3 in sorrow.

Good Grief: When Tobias cries in the shower drink for the duration of the scene in solidarity.

I Just Blue Myself: When Tobias wears a ridiculous costume/women’s clothing add a rule from the RC list to any other character even though the only person you’re fooling is yourself.

Cat-like Agility: When Tobias moves around by rolling/pouncing/crawling out of strange places surprise one player with 2 drinks.

Big Break: When Tobias is hospitalized take a drink for everyone who comes to visit or finish your drink if nobody comes.

Money Well Spent: When Carl Weathers dispenses some money-saving advice dispense one drink to yourself for the money wasted and one to another player for the money saved.

Lindsay

How Hard Can it Be?: When Lindsay desperately tries to seduce a man take a drink for each failed seduction and 2 for each success.

Daddy’s Little Girl: When Lindsay wears her “Slut” shirt take a drink for each man who ogles her or finish your drink if no one does.

HOOP: When Lindsay supports a silly cause explain why an RC rule is important for the betterment of society then give it to another player.

Beak: When it’s mentioned that Lindsay had a nosejob give a drink to who said it and take one.

It’s Over: Give 3 drinks when Lindsay threatens to divorce Tobias.

One Last Shot: Take 3 drinks when Lindsay reconciles with Tobias.

You Get What You Need: When Lindsay wants what she can’t have enjoy a glass of your favorite beverage. Just kidding. You can’t have that. Take a spoonful of cough syrup.

What Will I Look Like: When a mock-up is image appears of what two characters’ baby might look like give those characters 2 drinks each or if they’re not in the game then 2 to any player.

No Way to Misinterpret That: When Bob Loblaw wants someone to be explicit tell the raciest joke you know or take 5.

Calling it Like I See it: When filming is happening for Girls with Low Self-Esteem give out a drink for each pair of breasts that are flashed in self-righteous fury.

Lucille

The Help: When Lucille makes a racist comment take a drink for each person she offended.

She’s in Rehab: When Lucille drinks alcohol you also drink one. Good luck.

Suggestive: When Lucille winks, wink at a player meaning they should take 2 drinks.

She Doesn’t Like the Honey: When Lucille’s rape horn is blown give a guy in the room a drink.

Motherboy: When Lucille gets a little too uncomfortable with Buster both take a drink to repress the dirty thoughts.

That Bitch!: When Lucille 2 has a vertigo attack make another player take a drink and then spin around 10 times really fast.

The Hugest Mistake I Ever Made: When Oscar mysteriously suggests he is Buster’s father take 3 drinks to forget that regretful night.

You’re Drunk!: When Lucille is accused of being drunk take one if you are still sober. Otherwise give one.

I do not much Care for Gob: When Lucille voices her displeasure with Gob give a drink to whoever displeases you the most.

I Like it Better on Him: When Lucille mocks Lindsay’s appearance remove a rule from another player and insult them in the process. Give them a drink if it’s deemed witty.

Michael

A Shoddy Workman Blames His Tools: When Michael hurts his hand take 3 stupid.

Hypocrisy: When Michael says one thing and then does the exact opposite a few seconds later announce that alcohol is bad and should be drunken in moderation then take one.

I Need a Favor: Give a drink to whoever asks Michael for a favor.

To Phoenix: When Michael threatens to abandon his family give 5 if he actually goes through with it. Otherwise take 5.

Mr. Niceguy: Give an RC rule to another player when Michael says something that implies he is a murderer.

I Don’t Want to Believe: Take 2 when Michael fails to see an obvious truth.

And That’s When he Realized: Give 2 when Michael finally sees an obvious truth.

Sibling Rivalry: When Michael gets into a physical fight with Gob then have a drinking contest with the player of Gob. First one out gives the other a buck (or an agreed upon amount).

Comfort Food: When Michael eats candy beans to comfort himself down a fistful of Jelly Bellies with a drink to comfort yourself. It will definitely make you feel better.

Messy Divorce: When somebody makes a tasteless comment about Michael’s deceased wife make yourself feel better by giving 3.

Recurring Characters (RC)

I Wish it Was The Last Time: When Kitty flashes her tits take 5 to drown out the horror.

Hello: When Annyong says his name (either of them) take 2.

That Had to Hurt: When cops are overzealous in their enforcement of the law take a vodka shot.

Sheeple: When Bluth company employees are incompetent take 3 in exasperation.

Rest Stop: When someone states that Barry is very good take a shot of Limoncello.

Imagine If: When a Wayne Jarvis’ dramatic gesture is foiled take 4 upside-down.

He’s All Right When a doctor makes a misleading statement lean back and swallow. Your drink that is. Finish your drink.

Give me some Sugar: When Franklin knocks somebody out with a kiss take a shot of SL

Some Columbian: When Marta reappears played by a new actress take a tequila shot.

Multi-Purpose Dancers: When the Hot Cops arrive on the scene take a shot of Fireball Whiskey.

Family

Whenever…

A Bluth fails to use a hammer the player of that character must crush a beer can on their head.

The Bluths put on a party the whole party takes a drink.

Somebody does a chicken dance you must also do a chicken dance or finish your drink.

Somebody makes a huge mistake the player of that character takes 3.

An incest joke is made do nothing. I don’t want you to die of alcohol poisoning.

Somebody eats an ice cream sandwich also eat an ice cream sandwich. Yum!

A Bluth misunderstands Spanish then the player of that character gives a drink.

The stair car gets a hop-on everybody must hop to their feet. The last to do so takes 3.

The model home completely falls apart then everybody finishes their drink.

Something is unnecessarily censored everyone must cover their drink. Last one takes one.

Spotting

When you are the first to spot…give a drink.

A Blendin truck

A Cloudmir sign

Mr. Bananagrabber

Someone holding a “Freedom” sign

An unrelated sign in the background that reflects what is going on in the scene

A reused banner

A reference to a film/tv show/etc involving a cast member (including the narrator)

An Iraq War reference

The For British eyes only/ Mr. F theme

The “Big Yellow Joint” theme

I realize this may be a bit much for some people so feel free to cut out rules as your group sees fit.

Game of Thrones Season 1 Summary

This is for the benefit of a friend who wants to marathon season 2 with us without having seen the first season. Hopefully it should give her all relevant information so she won't be totally in the dark.

Setting:

- The show is primarily set on the continent of Westeros which is roughly the size of South America. A small portion of it also takes place on a large eastern continent across the sea.

- It is a medieval fantasy world though magic and mythical creatures such as dragons have all but disappeared from the world at the start of the series. A few pockets of magic still exist however, and as the series progresses it slowly returns with greater force.

- Society essentially has a feudal structure with a king at the top, greater lords beneath him, lesser lords beneath them followed by landed knights with peasants at the bottom.

Before the Series Begins:

- For about 300 years Westeros is ruled by a line of kings known as the Targaryen Dynasty.

- The last Targaryen king, known as Mad King Arys, became crazy and violent causing several powerful lords to rise up in rebellion against him. Chief amoung them were: Robert Baratheon, Ned Stark, Jon Arryn, and at the very end of the war Tywin Lannister.

- The rebels eventually win and kill all the Targaryens except for baby Dany and her brother who escape into exile on the eastern continent.

- Robert Baratheon becomes the new king and marries Tywin’s daughter, Cersei, to solidify his rule. Jon Arryn becomes his chief advisor, and Ned Stark returns to his home, Winterfell.

- The series begins 17 years after these events.

On the Wall:

- In the far north of Westeros there is a massive ice wall that spans the width of the continent at a narrow point. This wall was built thousands of years ago to keep out whatever threats may try to come across to attack the kingdom.

- It is manned by an organization known as The Night’s Watch. Once they were proud and strong, but have since fallen into disrepair with an ever-shrinking number of recruits and crumbling castles.

- For most of their history they were tasked with keeping out the Wildlings (aka Eskimo Barbarians), but their original purpose was to keep out the White Walkers; a deadly race of ice necromancers who raise the dead and bring a terrible cold with them wherever they go.

- The White Walkers disappeared from the world so long ago that most believe they are only a legend, but at the start of the series it becomes apparent that they have returned.

- Ned Stark’s bastard son, Jon Snow, decides to join the Night’s Watch as he has little other prospects in life and believes it will be a respectable and adventurous vocation.

- Once there he makes some friends and a few enemies and eventually becomes the squire to the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch.

- They learn that the Eskimo barbarians are amassing an army and that the White Walkers have almost certainly returned.

- The Lord Commander decides to lead out a large squadron to find out what the Eskimo barbarians are up to and to learn more about the White Walkers.

Across the Sea in the East:

- Dany’s brother greatly desires to reclaim the throne of Westeros, but lacks an army.

- To remedy this he decides to marry Dany to a powerful Mongolian Warlord in exchange for his military support.

- At the wedding Dany receives three dragon eggs which are looked upon as little more than valuable jewels as nobody has been able to hatch a dragon egg for hundreds of years. Dany, however feels a mysterious connection to them which builds over time.

- Although things are awkward at first, Dany and the Warlord eventually come to love one another and Dany becomes increasingly assertive of her power much to her brother’s chagrin.

- Her brother dies epically.

- After some routine raping and pillaging, the Warlord takes a flesh wound which he tries to shrug off. Dany is worried and decides it will be a good idea to have a Witch Doctor from the village they just raped and pillaged to tend to his wound.

- The Warlord dies and his army quickly disperses leaving Dany mostly alone.

- She builds a funeral pyre for her husband, ties the Witch Doctor to it, and walks into the flames with her dragon eggs.

- In the morning the dragon eggs have hatched and Dany is unscathed.

In Winterfell and The Capital:

- At the start of the series, Jon Arryn, the King’s Chief Advisor, dies under mysterious circumstances. Needing a new Chief Advisor, Robert Baratheon travels to north to Winterfell to ask his old friend, Ned Stark, to take the job.

- He comes with a large retinue which includes his wife (Cersei), his eldest son (Joffrey Baratheon), one of his bodyguards who is also the twin brother of the queen (Jaime Lannister), and their dwarf brother (Tyrion Lannister).

- Plans are made to have Joffrey marry Ned’s eldest daughter, Sansa, when they come of age.

- Ned Stark’s 10-year old son, Bran Stark likes to climb the battlements of Winterfell. One day while climbing an abandoned tower he hears a strange noise. When he looks inside he sees Jamie Lannister having sex with his twin sister, Queen Cersei. Jaime sees Bran and pushes him out the window to protect their incestuous affair.

- Bran goes into a coma. While he’s still unconscious, Ned Stark leaves Winterfell for the capital and his new job with his daughters, Sansa and Arya. His wife, Catelyn stays in Winterfell to care for Bran while his eldest son, Robb, takes charge of day to day affairs.

- While still in a coma, an assassination attempt is made on Bran’s life by an assailant using a unique dagger. The assassin is killed by Bran’s pet direwolf (btw all the Stark children including Jon Snow have pet direwolves).

- Catelyn suspects the Lannisters, and decides to take the dagger south to the capital to show to Ned so they can plan their next move.

- When Bran eventually regains consciousness he cannot remember anything that happened before he fell and he is paralyzed from the waist down.

- Upon arriving in the capital, Ned immediately sets about trying to uncover why Jon Arryn died

- He learns that shortly before his death, Jon Arryn had taken to visiting King Robert’s many bastard children, but Ned can’t figure out why.

- Catelyn shows up with the dagger and they are told by her old friend and current finance minister, Littlefinger, that it belongs to Tyrion Lannister.

- Catelyn travels back to Winterfell and on her way north she happens to meet Tyrion in an inn.

- Catelyn takes Tyrion prisoner which pisses off his father, Tywin Lannister, who amasses his army in response.

- Ned eventually figures out that Jon Arryn had discovered that King Robert’s children aren’t actually his, but Jaime’s. Ned assumes that Queen Cersei learned of this and had Jon Arryn killed before he could reveal her secret.

- Ned sends a letter to King Robert’s younger brother, Stannis, informing him of the truth and that he is now the rightful heir to the throne.

- King Robert's youngest brother, Renly, also knows the truth but wants the throne for himself. He discreetly heads south to gather support for his bid to the crown.

- Knowing that King Robert will kill Cersei and her children when he finds out, Ned speaks to Cersei and advises her to flee the capital and go into exile before he tells Robert the truth.

- Instead Cersei has Robert killed before he learns of the truth, buys off the city guard, has Ned thrown in prison, sets up Joffrey as king, and establishes herself as regent.

- All the men Ned brought down with him are killed, Sansa Stark is kept under guard in the castle, and Arya Stark manages to escape and disguises herself as a street urchin.

- This pisses off Robb Stark who amasses his army and marches south to confront the Lannisters.

- Tyrion, meanwhile, uses his wits to escape Catelyn’s clutches and meets up with his father.

- The Lannister and Stark forces fight a few battles with Robb Stark winning pretty decisively and taking Jaime Lannister captive which gives him a bargaining chip for his father, Ned Stark.

- Unfortunately, King Joffrey is an idiot and executes Ned Stark.

- Arya escapes the capital by pretending to be a recruit for The Night’s Watch.

- Disgusted with King Joffrey, Robb Stark’s army declares Robb “King of the North” and decide to separate from the kingdom.

- Tired of Cersei and Joffrey being retarded, Tywin Lannister sends Tyrion to the capital to act as the Chief Advisor and keep things under control.

Here's a flowchart I made detailing mostly all of the major characters from the first season and how they relate to one another. 

The Amityville Horror (1979) Review

Last night, after sitting around talking about dicks for three hours while occasionally standing up to hand out candy to trick-or-treaters, my friends and I decided that we should watch a horror movie on TV seeing as how it was Halloween and all. There were two movie that were just about to start when we sat down with some pizza: The Rocky Horror Picture Show and the original Amityville Horror with Josh Brolin's dad, James Brolin. For some reason we went the latter even though, shockingly, none of us have ever seen Rocky Horror (something to do with it being on Much Music which is a shitty channel that would ruin it somehow). By the end of the movie I was fairly certain that Rocky Horror would have been significantly scarier, though perhaps not as hilarious.

The first sign that maybe this movie wouldn't live up to the last word of its title was the PG rating that appeared in the corner. The second indication was the excruciatingly annoying music that I can't fucking get out of my head. The story begins on a dark and stormy night and only gets more cliche from there. I'm not going to go too deep into the story. Suffice to say its about a young family that moves into a haunted murder house and start to go crazy. You can probably figure out most of what happens from that brief summary alone. The only real surprise is that nobody dies, and that's not necessarily a welcome twist. There's also a subplot involving a priest that never amounts to anything, and a subplot that follows a cop that similarly goes nowhere. The movie climaxes with the family slowly walking down a flight of stairs while blood drips from the walls, and then they get in their car and leave. That's it. Evidently their budget ran out before they could give the movie a proper ending and tie all the various threads together.

There isn't really much you can say about the characters. The mother is religious. The daughter is creepy. The sons exist. The father looks like a hobo and acts like one too. Its also revealed that he is not actually the father of the children, but not until three quarters of the way through the movie and its almost entirely irrelevant to the plot. Like most characters in a horror movie, they are also retarded. Despite all the batshit crazy stuff that happens in the house they refuse to leave, and seem to have amnesia when it comes to all the horrible things that happen. And its not like they didn't know about the house's checkered past. At the start of the movie the mother and father are discussing the murders that occurred in the house, and they recognize that its a major reason why the its so cheap. Characters constantly come in and tell them that the house is cursed, but they just dismiss it as irrational. At one point they literally find the portal to Hell in their basement, and they still decide to stay another three days. The best part is they try to cover it up with an old mattress. Because that will keep the demons at bay.

The most intelligent character in the movie appears to be the family dog who is the only one who seems to recognize the serious threat to personal safety having the portal to Hell in the basement presents. My friends and I invented this alternate story where Dog is the main character and spends the whole movie fighting back Satan and his demons while simultaneously dealing with the bullshit of theh his masters. At the end of the movie he's doing battle with Satan in the basement when the father comes to "rescue" him and take him away with the rest of the family only to fall into a pool of blood. This pisses the shit out of Dog, because now he has to save his useless master while trying to keep Satan at bay. I imagine him barking in dog language, "Holy fuck man, seriously? I got bigger things to worry about than saving your sorry ass! Goddamn noob weighing me down!" I am fairly confident that this would make a far more rewarding and entertaining cinematic experience.

As for scares, there aren't any, not even jump scares. Other than the aforementioned blood, what passes for scares are such spooky occurrences as doors or windows that open and close on their own, chandeliers that shake a bit, and rocking chairs that move with nobody in them. The Wishbone Halloween episode is genuinely more terrifying than this. The film tries to be creepy with the daughter who befriends the ghost of an infant murder victim, but that sort of thing has been so many times and to much greater effect in other movies. So even if you don't care about plot or character and are looking purely for chills and nightmare fodder, then this movie has very little to offer.

In conclusion: 2/10